The last time I posted, I was getting ready to see a new doctor down near Kentucky. Well, I saw him and REALLY like him! He looks at the WHOLE body and how it works as a WHOLE instead of just one part. As part of that, he had me get a boatload of blood tests...as in 10 tubes of blood! The results of all that showed (among other things) that my insulin was high, but my blood sugars and A1C (what shows your blood sugars over a span of time, not just that moment) were fine. So, he said if I didn't stop eating starch and sugar, it was a guarantee that I WILL get diabetes. Um...pass... So, I've stopped eating all starch (no potatoes, no grains, no starchy vegetables like corn, peas or chickpeas, no fun), and almost all sugar (for my sanity, I'm not counting my coffee creamer or the natural sugars in milk and fruit, although I do limit the amount of fruit I eat). It was CRAZY hard for the first 3 weeks, but now it's only difficult. Lol Meanwhile, what would have been Michael's (my 2nd miscarriage) 1st birthday is this coming Monday (as in just a few days). In the past, I've only tried to survive the due dates, but for Charlotte's (my 1st miscarriage) 1st birthday, Emma and I went to a fancy cake place, put a candle in my piece of cake, and quietly sang Happy Birthday to her. It felt nice to "celebrate" her 1st birthday, and I wanted to do the same for Michael. However, with my new diet restrictions, even gluten-free cake is out, so in trying to think of some other way to mark the day as special and different, Emma and I decided to dye our hair blue (his birthstone color). A new friend in the neighborhood, who is practically a hair dyeing expert and photographer, has offered to help us and then take our picture afterwards, adding a cool blue flowery border and ribbon with the date. <3 A few days ago, I started worrying about the amount of questions I'd have to answer about why we dyed our hair blue, so in an effort to reduce them even by a couple, I thought I'd post on here a heads up about it. Hopefully, the questions I do have to answer, I can keep from crying and answer them briefly and honestly. Please pray for me these next few days (and weeks...the dye is supposed to last 6 weeks... o_O). Thanks, guys!
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I saw a new doctor a couple of weeks ago for my thyroid. He came highly recommended by a friend, and I REALLY like him. I think he's going to be instrumental in helping us get pregnant and stay pregnant along with Dr. Stroud. The only thing is that he's down near the Kentucky border, so that's like a 2 1/2 hour drive south to see him, and a 2 1/2 hour drive north to see Dr. Stroud. Lol Why do these great doctors have to be so far? Anyway, he's just across the river from Louisville, and the Louisville zoo is pretty cool, so we now have a membership there (it was about $45 for me and both girls to go for one day, or about $100 for a membership - if we're going to be down there more than twice in a year, it'll pay for itself...and I already have my first follow-up appointment in a couple weeks). Meanwhile, Bella started summer school last week, so now I literally have NO time for my journal, prayers, or reading the Bible like I was. Hubby gets up at 5 to get ready for work, and he leaves at 6. Bella wakes up at 6, and we leave at 6:30. I drive her to school, come back, and maybe have a few minutes alone before Emma wakes up, but not usually much more than a few minutes. By the time I finally get everyone to bed at night, I'm too exhausted to even think about anything by my pillow. On top of that, our church had its big Italian Festival this last weekend, and the prep for it the whole week before, so I haven't been able to go to adoration since the week before that, and won't be able to again until July. :'-( I'm considering getting up at 4:30 to have some quiet, alone time, but I don't want to wake hubby up, and I'm not sure how to manage getting up that early without an alarm. I can tell a big difference (in a negative way) in how I feel emotionally and spiritually since I haven't been able to do everything I had been doing (prayer-wise). I'm much less patient, I feel more snappish, and usually feel like crying (although it's just deep enough below the surface that I never do). In short, I'm living an introvert nightmare. Lol And there's no end in sight. We leave for Disney World in exactly 1 week, and I'll have even less alone and quiet time there (if that's possible). Then, when we get back, it's back to summer school until about a month from now (actually...exactly a month from now), which is also the end of our half of the summer with Bella. The bright side is that after that, things will be back to normal, I can set my alarm for 6 or 6:30 everyday like I was, and have HOURS of quiet, alone time instead of the seconds or minutes I have now. :-D I just hope I can last a full month with my sanity in tact... Please pray for me!
God Bless! Dana Towards the end of Lent, I started keeping a spiritual journal. I tell you this for two reasons. 1) I'm really enjoying it and you might too. 2) As a side effect of that, I won't be writing on my blog nearly as much (probably just for big stuff), so I'm not going to even pretend to try to post about once a week like I have tried to do in the past. It may not even be once a month. No idea. Anyway, if you don't know exactly what a spiritual journal is, I'll try to explain super quickly (or you can just click on the link above). It's generally kind of like a written prayer. Mine is slightly different, though. I usually write about a paragraph summary of my day, my feelings, my experiences, etc. Then, I put it down, read something substantial (like a passage, chapter, or book from the Bible/passage from St. Faustina's Diary/something else along those lines), reflect on it, write a short paragraph about what I got from it, or how it made me feel. Then I close with a written prayer about whatever's on my heart. It may come from something in the first paragraph, it may come from what I read about, or it may be something else. Anyway, it's been really nice to close out my day each day with this practice. I get Emma tucked in, and sneak downstairs alone for a few minutes to do my journal and prayers before I go to bed. Sometimes, on Thursdays, when I'm at adoration, I'll take my journal and do it there. As long as it's a quiet, peaceful time, it doesn't really matter what time of day you do it. It's just that night time is generally my only quiet, peaceful time anymore...
God Bless! Dana I don't know about you, but this Lent has been EXTREMELY Lenty around here. Actually, I guess it really started about a month (MAYBE??? maybe less???) before Lent officially started. It started with the washing machine needing to be replaced, then both of our cars needed all new tires (within a few days of each other), then we all got sick (started with Emma, and each person had a turn, frequently overlapping, but nobody having exactly the same illness as anyone else), and then we all got sick again. I don't think our family has EVER done the rotating sickness thing for an extended period of time before. There's usually only 3 of us in the house, for crying out loud! During that time, 3 out of the 4 of us had an ear infection, and somewhere in all that, the microwave threatened to blow up, so it had to be replaced. We also had to get a new lawn mower last weekend. Then, on Monday, I was driving home from getting Bella, and a warning light came on in the car with the message "service power steering soon" and "service advance trac" taking turns going across my miles til empty screen. I went out after Bella left to return a book to the library, and the car decided to completely give up the power steering thing, and said "service power steering NOW". I got to the library and home again, but definitely got my workout in the process. I took it into the shop yesterday, and $1220 later, it has all 4 control arms replaced, and the alignment done. *sigh* It's gotten to the point around here that's like, "okay, that's done, what's gonna break next?" Then, Emma and I got home from co-op this afternoon, and Skye (my GOOD dog) was wandering around the yard OUTSIDE the fence. She's gotten out of the fence before, but only when we'd walked past her to go to the park or pool. So, apparently now we have to get her a shock collar like we have for Squirt. I hate to tell whatever is causing all of this, but we are NOT made of money! Lol It almost feels like some kind of demonic attack or something, it's gotten so ridiculous. Anyway, since my last round of Clomid, I've gotten to a place emotionally where I just don't care anymore about TTC. I'm just ready to accept the 2 we have here with us, and the 3 waiting for us in Heaven, and be done. I stopped charting for a few days, and I even went back to crumpling my toilet paper (HUGE no-no for Creighton users)...I mean, I was seriously just done. But, then I realized today that I have to keep doing my shots and progesterone (I mean, I knew this already, but hadn't put 2 and 2 together yet), so that meant that I HAVE to keep charting, so that I know when to start doing the shots and progesterone. *sigh* So, since I have to go through ALL the motions anyway, I'm trying to care about TTC again. If I have to do all that work and go through the shots, etc. anyway, then I might as well try my best to TTC, ya know? Kinda silly not to, I guess. On a happier note, tomorrow is Holy Thursday (yay!!!), my absolute favorite day liturgically. Emma and I are planning on going on a Holy Thursday pilgrimage tomorrow night (with anyone who wants to join us). We'll start with Mass at 7:30 at Holy Rosary downtown, then follow the procession downstairs where the Blessed Sacrament will be placed on the altar of repose. We'll stay there and pray for a few minutes, and then go around to 6 other downtown parishes (including the cathedral), and visit their altars of repose (each for a few minutes). It's so much fun to see the different churches, and how they set up their altars. There's one Spanish one (I think it's St. Patrick's) that usually has people playing the guitar, singing in Spanish, and children dancing in the aisles. So fun! I can't wait!
If I don't post again before Easter (which I expect I won't), have a Blessed and Happy Easter! God Bless! Dana After my last post, I thought I might share the Haggadah that I helped create in case anyone wanted to use it for a Seder in their parish or community, or just to see what one looks like. ;-) Enjoy! (Feel free to copy and paste into your own Word document or whatever) Narrating Father: Welcome to our Passover Seder. One of the last things Jesus did with His disciples was to celebrate the Passover. It’s no coincidence that Jesus chose the Passover meal for what the Church now celebrates as the Mass, or the Eucharist. God gave us this celebration to teach us even more about His love. Tonight we will be able to see, hear, and taste the great love God has for us! Please stand as we light the candles. All: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Mothers: Blessed are you, O Lord God, King of the universe, who has chosen each one of us out of all the people of the world and made us holy by Your Word, and in Whose Name we light these celebration lights. Narrating Father: On your tables, you will see what is called the Seder Plate. On it have been placed the main symbols for this Service. First, we have three MATZOS (pronounced MAT-zahs), commemorating the unleavened bread that the Jewish people were instructed to eat during their fleeing from Egypt. We use three Matzos to represent the three religious groupings of the Jewish people – Koshen (pronounced KOH-shen), Levi, and Yisroayl (pronounced yis-ROY-al). They are placed together to indicate the unity of the Jewish people. Another symbol for the three Matzos in one is the Trinity. The second symbol is the ROASTED SHANKBONE which reminds us of the Paschal Lamb, a special animal sacrifice that the Jews were instructed to kill, smear blood on the wooden lintels and doorposts, cook, and eat all of as part of the Passover (that was the signal to the angel of the death that a house was Jewish, and not to kill the firstborn there). The third symbol is the ROASTED EGG, which reminds us of a second offering brought to the Temple on Passover. The egg is also largely recognized by Christians everywhere as a symbol of rebirth and resurrection, which is why we also use them at Easter. The fourth symbol is the MOROR (pronounced more-OR), or the bitter herbs, which reminds us of the bitterness of slavery, which the Jews were forced into by the Egyptians. The fifth symbol is the CHAROSES (pronounced ha-ROE-set), made to look like mortar, which reminds us of the mortar that the Jews used for building the Egyptian cities. The final symbol is the KARPAS (pronounced CAR-pahs), a green vegetable, used to remind us that Passover coincides with the arrival of spring and the gathering of the spring harvest. (Parents pour wine and juice, but please wait to drink; refill as needed during meal for the four cups – each time we drink from the cups, everyone is meant to drink all that is in the cup, so keep that in mind as you fill them) Narrating Father: In Exodus chapter 6, God told Moses, “Now you will see what I will do, and He made four promises about how He would save his people. All: I will bring you out of Egypt… I will free you from slavery… I will save you by my own hand… I will take you to be My own people, and I will be your God…” Narrating Father: To remember these four promises, we will drink from our cups four times. We take the first cup, the Cup of Sanctification, and proclaim the holiness of this day of freedom. Blessed are You, O Lord our God, Who has preserved us, sustained us, and brought us to this season. All: Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, Creator of the fruit of the vine. (All drink; sing “We Remember”) We remember how you loved us, to your death, and still we celebrate, for you are with us here; and we believe that we will see you when you come in your glory, Lord. We remember, we celebrate, we believe. Narrating Father: Scripture says only the person who has clean hands and a pure heart can stand in God’s presence (Psalm 24:3-4). When we wash each other’s hands, we remember how Jesus, on the night of His last Passover supper, poured water into a bowl and washed the disciples’ feet for them, like a servant. (With washcloths provided, parents will wash the hands of their children, and children will wash the hands of their parents) Narrating Father: The parsley represents life. We are filled with joy at the goodness of God in loving us and caring for us. And yet as good as God intended life to be, it is often mixed with tears. Tonight, we are celebrating the freedom God brought our forefathers as slaves in Egypt. But we do not forget that life in Egypt was hard and filled with tears. As we dip our greens into the salt water, we pray: All: Blessed are You, O Lord our God, King of the universe, Creator of the fruit of the earth. (All eat parsley dipped in salt water) Narrating Father: At this time, the children will ask the traditional questions of the Seder meal. The Haggadah, or “the telling” will follow. Children: Why is this night so different from all other nights? Narrating Father: In every generation we must celebrate the Passover as if it were ourselves who came out of Egypt. Therefore we are bound to give thanks. We who are followers of Christ know that as God rescued the Israelites through Moses from the slavery of Egypt, so he redeemed us through Christ from our slavery to sin. Christ passed from this world to his Father, showing us the way and preparing a place for us, as he said: No one can come to the Father except through me (John 14:6). Children: Why on this night do we eat only unleavened bread? Narrating Father: When our ancestors left Egypt, they were in such a hurry they didn’t have time to let their dough rise. Instead, they baked it flat (hold up the matzo). This is the bread of suffering that our ancestors ate. But it is also a symbol of the promised Messiah, Jesus, our Bread of Life. Parents, take the middle matzo on your table and break it in half. Wrap one half in white linen. This matzo is hidden and will be taken out and eaten later in our meal. It represents Christ being broken for us, and then rising and coming to take us to heaven when our lives on earth are complete. Parents, please break the remaining broken matzo half into pieces for your family. All: Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, who brings forth bread from the earth. (All eat matzo) Children: Why on this night do we only eat bitter vegetables? Narrating Father: Tonight we eat bitter vegetables to remember how bitter life was for our ancestors in Egypt. We who are followers of Christ do not hesitate to taste of this bitterness as a reminder of His passion and death or to recall that He said, “Anyone who does not carry his cross and come after me cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:27). All: Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, who has set us apart by His Word and commanded us to eat bitter herbs. (Parents pass the Seder Plate; all take a small helping of horseradish to eat with matzo) Children: Why on this night do we dip our vegetables twice? Narrating Father: We’ve already dipped our parsley in salt water to remember our ancestors’ tears. In slavery, the Israelites worked very hard to make bricks to build cities for Pharaoh. We remember this in a thick mixture called charoset, made from apples, cinnamon, honey, walnuts, and wine. Our fathers were able to withstand the bitterness of slavery because it was sweetened by the hope of freedom. We who are the followers of Christ are reminded that by sharing in the bitterness of Christ’s sufferings, we strengthen our hope. Now again, scoop some bitter herbs onto a piece of matzo, but this time, also dip it into the sweet charoset. All: We dip the bitter into the sweet to remember that even the bitterest things in life can be sweetened by our hope in God. (Parents pass the Seder Plate again for all to take horseradish and charoset; all eat these with the matzo) Children: Why on this night do we recline in our chairs? Narrating Father: This night is different to remind us that we were once slaves in Egypt and that God helped us to be free. We lean or recline on this night because we relax as free people. Narrating Father: The Lord had promised the land of Israel to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Yet here were their children in Egypt. The Pharaoh who had come to power feared them. Pharaoh decided to impose harsh and bitter slavery upon the Israelites. Still, God blessed His people in strength and number. Pharaoh grew more frightened and ordered every baby boy among the Israelites to be drowned in the Nile River. One Israelite couple hid their little boy for three months. Finally, entrusting his future to God, they set him in a basket and placed him upon the river. His sister, Miriam, watched as he floated upstream. Coming upon the basket, Pharaoh’s daughter took pity on the child and chose to raise him as her own son. She called him Moses, which means drawn out of the water. Moses grew and became aware of the sufferings of his people. The Lord, however, saw the affliction of the children of Israel and heard their groaning. It was then that he appeared to Moses in the midst of a bush that burned with fire, yet was not consumed. Moses drew close and listened as God commissioned him to go to Pharaoh. Fearful and reluctant, still Moses agreed to bring God’s message to the king of Egypt, Let my people go! But God warned Moses that Pharaoh wouldn’t easily agree. The Lord sent plagues, one by one, but with each plague, Pharaoh refused and made his heart harder against God. With the tenth and most awful plague, God broke through Pharaoh’s hard heart, and he released the Jews. All: The Lord said, “On that night I will pass through Egypt and every first born person and animal will die… for I am the Lord.” Narrating Father: We fill our cups a second time. This is the Cup of Deliverance. A full cup is a sign of joy, and we are filled with joy that God has set us free. But we should also remember the joy lost as we remember the cost of our ancestors’ freedom. When we say the name of each plague, dip a finger into your cup and let a drop fall onto your napkin, making the cup of joy a little less full as we remember the cost of our freedom. All: Blood. Frogs. Lice. Wild Animals. Disease. Boils. Hail. Locusts. Darkness. Death of the Firstborn. Narrating Father: An even greater price was paid to save us from slavery to sin- the death of Jesus, God’s only Son. DAYENU (“It would have been enough”) All recite: If He had merely rescued us from Egypt, but had not punished the Egyptians DAYENU If He had merely punished the Egyptians, but had not slain their firstborn DAYENU If He had merely slain their firstborn, but had not given us their property DAYENU If He had merely given us their property, but had not opened the sea for us DAYENU If He had merely opened the sea for us, but had not brought us through on dry ground DAYENU If He had merely brought us through on dry ground, but had not drowned our oppressors DAYENU If He had merely drowned our oppressors, but had not supplied us in the desert for forty years DAYENU If He had merely supplied us in the desert for forty years, but had not fed us with manna DAYENU If He had merely fed us with manna, but had not given us the Sabbath DAYENU If He had merely given us the Sabbath, but had not brought us to Mt. Sinai DAYENU If He had merely brought us to Mt. Sinai, but had not given us the Law DAYENU If He had merely given us the Law, but had not brought us to the land of Israel DAYENU If He had merely brought us to the land of Israel, but had not built us the Temple DAYENU If He had merely built us the Temple, but had not sent us a Messiah DAYENU If He had merely sent us a Messiah, but He had not given His Life for us DAYENU If He had merely given His Life for us, but had not given us His Body in the Eucharist DAYENU All sing 3 times: Da, Da, Dayenu Da, Da, Dayenu Da, Da, Dayenu DAYENU! All: Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, Creator of the fruit of the vine. (All drink; sing “We Remember”) We remember how you loved us, to your death, and still we celebrate, for you are with us here; and we believe that we will see you when you come in your glory, Lord. We remember, we celebrate, we believe. Narrating Father: At the time of the liberation from Egypt, at God’s command, each family took a lamb, sacrificed it, ate it, and sprinkled its blood on the doorpost. And on that night, seeing the blood, the angel of the Lord passed over them, smiting the Egyptians and sparing the Israelites. All: By the blood of the lamb was Israel redeemed. Narrating Father: The Jews continued a memorial sacrifice in the Temple of a lamb for each family in Jerusalem at the time of the Passover. The lamb was brought home, roasted and eaten in a memorial meal. Since the destruction of the Temple there is no longer sacrifice, but the meaning of the Paschal Lamb is retold by Jewish people today. Followers of Christ know that Christ is our Lamb, who sacrificed Himself for us, and by His death and resurrection, enabled us to merit passing into eternal life with God. As St. Paul says, “Christ, our Passover Lamb, has been sacrificed” (1 Corinthians 5:7). Since Jesus has become our perfect Passover Lamb, now no more lambs need to be sacrificed, and lamb meat is no longer eaten at the Passover; instead we partake in the supper of the Lamb each time we celebrate Holy Eucharist at Mass. At this time, however, please take a bit of lamb meat as a reminder of our ancestors’ Passover meals. (Parents pass around the Seder plate for lamb) Narrating Father: Before enjoying our meal, we will recite portions of the first two Psalms of the Hallel. All: Praise the Lord…The Lord is exalted over all the nations, His glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?....Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord, at the presence of the God of Jacob, who turned the rock into a pool, the hard rock into springs of water. (Psalm 113-114) All: Bless us O Lord and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ, Our Lord, Amen. Narrating Father: At this time, we will enjoy our meal, but our ceremony is not complete. We will continue with final prayers towards the end of our meal portion. Please take your time with the meal, even as we conclude our ceremony with the final prayers. Thank you and enjoy! (Towards the end of the meal) Narrating Father: It is almost time to uncover the afikomen (pronounced ah-fee-KOH-men), or the hidden matzo. Afikomen means dessert in Hebrew. After we are finished with our Seder, the children will be invited to go search for another afikomen that we have hidden in the room. This is a traditional game played at every Passover. The child who finds the hidden afikomen will be rewarded with a small prize. For us, this is a symbol of the promised Messiah. Jesus was buried and rose from the dead. His rising (or being found) gives us the greatest reward: access to Heaven! Earlier, we called this the bread of affliction which our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt. And this is true. But it is also a symbol of the Bread of Life, which comes down from heaven and gives life to the world. All: Blessed are you, O God, King of the Universe, who brings forth bread from the earth. Narrating Father: It was here that Jesus added the words “This is my Body given for you; do this in remembrance of me”. (Children are now invited to uncover the afikomen; break it and share among your family) (Narrating Father holds up extra cup of wine) Narrating Father: This cup is the cup of Elijah the Prophet. Our ancestors hoped that Elijah would come at Passover to announce the coming of the Messiah. Later Jesus said about John the Baptist, “he is the Elijah who was to come” (Matthew 11:14). It was this John who announced “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29). It was this third cup, the Cup of Redemption, the cup taken after dinner, that Jesus said, “This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins” (Matthew 26:28). At this time, Jews typically have a child go open the front door to see if Elijah has come. I will now do this for us. All: Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! (All drink; sing “We Remember”) We remember how you loved us, to your death, and still we celebrate, for you are with us here; and we believe that we will see you when you come in your glory, Lord. We remember, we celebrate, we believe. Narrating Father: Remember God’s promise, “You will be my people and I will be your God.” Now let’s fill our cups for the fourth and last time, and give thanks to our great God. The traditional Passover is completed when the host drinks from the fourth cup, the Cup of Restoration, and announces, “Tel Telesti”, which means “it is finished”, or “it is consummated”. We as Christians remember in Scripture that Jesus refused to drink the fourth cup, leaving the Passover unfinished when He said “I tell you, I will never again drink of this fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom” (Matthew 26:29). Jesus did not complete His own Passover until He proclaimed, “It is finished,” right before He died on the cross for our sins (John 19:30). We adore you, O Christ, and we bless you. (Parents refill everyone’s cups) Narrating Father: Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. All: His love lasts forever. Narrating Father: Lift up your cups and bless the Lord! All: Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, Creator of the fruit of the vine. (All drink; sing “We Remember”) We remember how you loved us, to your death, and still we celebrate, for you are with us here; and we believe that we will see you when you come in your glory, Lord. We remember, we celebrate, we believe. Narrating Father: Our Seder meal is coming to a close as we recite portions of the second Hallel. All: Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to Your Name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness…The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion…I will call on the Name of the Lord. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all His people…Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol Him, all you peoples…Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever…I will give You thanks, for You answered me; You have become my salvation. (Psalms 115-118) All: Because by your holy cross, you have redeemed the world. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. At the end of EVERY Passover, Jews all over the world now join together and say with one voice, “Next year, in Jerusalem”, as the goal of every Jew is to celebrate the Passover in Jerusalem, so: All say: NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM! (At this point the Seder has ended and the children are free to go find the hidden Afikomen. Whoever finds it brings it to the leader for a small prize or cash reward) Sources
A Christian Passover Seder Haggadah for all participants- St. Alphonsus Liguori parish Catholicculture.org Christ in the Passover- Rose Publishing Haggadah for the American Family: A new Seder Service by Rabbi Martin Berkowitz www.the4thcup.com Well, Friday evening I asked Bella if she still wanted to go see Beauty and the Beast with her friends on Saturday. Thankfully, half the class had apparently decided to go, so she didn't want to anymore (not as fun as just going with a couple friends). So, I didn't even have to "go there" with my objections to the movie. Then on Saturday, we had our therapy session (me and Bella - to work on our relationship). The therapist decided that it was time for me to tell Bella the story of the custody battle, and what caused her to be living with her father, etc. Caught me completely off guard. If you don't know the whole story, let's just say that it's ugly, long, complicated, and not really a kid-friendly story. So, I did the best I could at giving her the G-rated, Cliff's Notes version with the highlights, but no details. Of course, having to dig so deeply into that part of my past opened up something that I had long closed and forgotten about. It's like that whole story was this huge, gaping, puss-filled wound in the middle of my back, that over time had healed into a scar that didn't hurt, and was on my back, so I couldn't see it or feel it. The therapist just took a knife and opened it to see what was in there, and it went back to gaping. Maybe not puss-filled, but it was gaping. After we finished talking about it, the therapist sent Bella out to the waiting room, and tried to help me decompress, and do some breathing exercises. By the time we left, I thought I was back to doing okay with it, but for the next couple of nights, when the dog would wake me up in the middle of the night, I would lie awake, thinking about all of it, and have trouble going back to sleep. That finally stopped, and I'm back to fine. Meanwhile, continuing my Lenten practice of reading books that are good for my soul/will help me grow in holiness, I finished reading the Screwtape Letters. Basically, my main take-away from that book was what I posted about a couple of times ago (focusing only on the present). After I finished that book, I immediately picked up Hungry Souls, which is about the holy souls in Purgatory and what they experience. It is a VERY good book, and a pretty quick read. After reading that book, I am praying much more for the poor souls in Purgatory, wearing my brown scapular more regularly, and have started praying the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary, which Our Lady promised if someone faithfully wore the brown scapular and prayed the Little Office everyday, that they would get out of Purgatory on the first Saturday after their death. I am also going to be enrolled in the Confraternity of the Most Holy Rosary tomorrow evening. Being enrolled in this confraternity will require no more of me than I'm already doing, and will free so many souls in Purgatory by just praying a tiny bit extra under certain circumstances. After reading that book, I started reading The Flame of Love. This book is, I think, far above me right now. I don't think I'm holy enough yet (ever?) to be able to do everything that Jesus and Our Lady ask in that book. There's very strict fasting, no distractions (ever!), rigorous prayer life, etc. There are a few aspects of it that I can see incorporating into my prayer life immediately, and interestingly enough, have mostly to do with helping those in Purgatory. I did pray about it in adoration this morning, though, and asked Jesus to put it on my heart if He wants me to take on everything in the Flame of Love book right now. So far, He hasn't responded, or doesn't want me to do that right now. Anyway, I only have a few pages left, and then I'm going to start my next book, which I'm SUPER excited about. It's The Jewish Roots of the Eucharist, and (I think) is going to tightly link the Jewish Passover to the Eucharist and the Last Supper. Speaking of linking the Jewish Passover and the Last Supper, our co-op is going to be having a Seder meal this coming Sunday. I (apparently at some point) volunteered to help lead it, and as the only one in the group with any kind of Jewish heritage or knowledge of Jewish culture, I was given the assignment of editing the Haggadah (the script that is used during the meal). They've apparently done a Seder the last 2 years, but this is my first time being able to go. I looked at what they had put together (by researching on Google, etc.), and it was pretty decent! I added a few things, changed the order a bit, and took out a little, and I'm REALLY happy with the way it came out! While I was researching a few things (making sure I was remembering right and not completely making stuff up), I came across this website called the 4th Cup. There's a fascinating video on there about Jesus, the Passover, the Crucifixion, and the Eucharist. It's about an hour and a half long, though, so be prepared to sit for awhile if you want to watch it. There were things I heard in that video that I had heard before, but forgotten, or things that I had known for a long time, but never put the pieces together, or just altogether new stuff that I had never thought about or realized. It was just really interesting. Another happy update is something that happened on Tuesday this week. Emma had a playdate, and her little friend (3 year old boy who I think she "adopted" as almost a little brother, although he apparently told his mom that Emma is his girlfriend, so I'm not sure the feeling is quite mutual lol) has a baby brother. The baby is 3 months old, has dimples, and is the cutest baby I've seen in awhile. I honestly can't tell you when the last time was that I was able to look at a baby, let alone hold one without even a little sadness welling up inside me. Let me tell you, I HELD that baby on Tuesday. And not just for a second because his mom needed to do something. I held him because I WANTED to. And I enjoyed it! I think it has a lot to do with the books that I've been reading this Lent, focusing on the present, and just LOVING God more. Whenever I start thinking about the future and what it may or may not hold for me (and our family), I mentally smack myself and focus back on the present. So far, it's making a huge difference in my spiritual and emotional health. I hope your Lent is being just as fruitful (or MORE fruitful!)!
God Bless, Dana Last Thursday, I was (unreasonably) stressed out about getting the house ready for Emma's friend to spend Friday night, so I didn't sleep well Thursday night. Friday night, Emma's friend (who apparently has insomnia) had trouble sleeping, so while they were fairly quiet, I didn't sleep super great Friday either. Saturday, hubby had to get 4 new tires, and then we met Emma's friend's mom at the Eiteljorg (museum about Native Americans - which her friend is obsessed with), and spent most of the afternoon there. Saturday evening, Emma and I went to Mass so we wouldn't have to worry about it on Sunday. Sunday was the time change, and the day we were supposed to go to St. Louis to spend Purim (the Jewish celebration of the story of Esther in the Bible) with my family. So, when we planned to be on the road at 7 am (which we actually did manage!), it was really 6 am... We got there around 10:30, and had a blast! The way they do Purim there is so different than anything I had experienced before! It was so much fun! Every family makes up small packages of food and treats (called mishloach manos), everyone dresses up in costumes, then it's like a reverse trick-or-treat type thing. The families take their packages to friends houses, and give them as gifts. The friends then give something back in return. You wind up with all sorts of candy, cookies, drinks and other good stuff to munch on as you continue your journeys. One family was dressed as farmers and was giving out boxes with sandwiches, corn on the cob, and a cookie. Other families gave away beer. Some gave fruit. Some gave Starbucks frappucinos. At a few of the houses, the whole family went inside, and my uncle (dressed like a clown with a suit jacket) played the guitar as part of the gift. By the time we got home for dinner, nobody was really that hungry. There was also a parade, where a man dressed as Mordecai rides on a horse, with another man dressed as Haman walks. A few women go in front of the horse, waving flags. Then, every so often someone near the horse stops the parade, and says something that means "this is what happens to the one whom the king favors" or something like that. Everyone in whatever costume (or lack of costume) they have one is welcome to join the parade at whatever point they arrive. There was even one house that had tables set up on the lawn with their mishloach manos available to anyone who walked past and wanted some. They had skewers of fruit, marshmallows for roasting (and a fire pit going), and a table with beer for the adults. I have to say that my favorite costume that I saw was a guy in a Tevye costume from Fiddler on the Roof. The costume was PERFECT (although the guy was much skinnier than the real Tevye), and he even sang one of the songs (and sang it very well)! We spent all day with the family, then left their house around 7:30 (their time), which would have put us getting home around 12:30 am (our time). That all went smoothly until we were in Illinois, ALMOST to the Indiana border, where we got a flat tire. Not even just a little flat. I'm talking, completely busted, can't be fixed, pancake flat. This was around 12:45 am...in the middle of nowhere. Emma started slightly panicking, so of course, I had to keep my cheerful "everything's fine and fun" face on, even though I was slightly panicking too. So, I got the spare out of the trunk, jacked up the car, and went to take the lug nuts off. Could. Not. Do. It. Every time I tried to get the tool on the lug nuts, and then step on it to get leverage, it fell off. I tried several times before deciding it just wasn't gonna happen. So, I got the battery powered inflator thing out of the trunk, thinking maybe I could inflate it enough to get home. No dice. Really starting to get stressed out by now, I tried to call the insurance company, hoping to have roadside assistance coverage. The only numbers I could find to call said to leave a message, and they'd call back on the next business day. Um...not good enough! So, then I decided to call hubby. Only, he was asleep, and his phone was on silent. Okay...now what...? I started going through the contacts on my phone which was down to about 25% battery at this point (and I couldn't find the charger), but I found my neighbor's number, called her, and thankfully, she answered the phone and agreed to go wake up my husband and have him call me. He told me I'd have to call a tow truck. So, I googled, and the first one I found, I called. The very nice man at the tow truck place said that if all I needed was the lug nuts off, that I didn't need him to come out for a fee, I could just call the deputy, and have them help me for free. He gave me the number to call, and I did. An hour and a half later, the very nice deputy finally showed up, showed me the hole in the side of the tire, and changed it for me. Unfortunately, since the spare tire was only rated up to 50mph, and I still had so far to go, I didn't want to strain it, so I drove the last 75 miles at 45mph... We finally got home around 4 am. In case you lost track during all of that, that meant I had been awake for roughly 21 hours. Four and half hours later (this is now Monday), our dog Skye (my 50 lb baby) decided I'd had enough sleep, and JUMPED on me. Hubby hadn't gotten much more sleep than I had after I called, since he was so worried about us, so he had stayed home from work. I decided to get dressed and go get the tire replaced, and left Emma asleep in bed. When I got to the tire place, they told me that not just the one busted tire, but all FOUR tires desperately needed to be replaced. $800 later...I have all new Michelin tires, that apparently come with free roadside assistance, and free towing up to 150 miles. Sure could've used THAT in Illinois... I came back home, and went upstairs to maybe catch a nap when my BFF texted that they were going to the Children's Museum (her kids had a flex day or something). Emma had been wanting to go see their new circus exhibit, and we rarely get to hang out with my BFF and her kids, so I couldn't easily pass up such a sweet opportunity. Yes, on 4.5 hours of sleep, I went to the Children's Museum. Yes, I'm slightly insane. Lol We stayed there until it was time to go pick up Bella. She, of course, had an orchestra concert that night, so we had to rush home, feed her, and then rush back out the door to go to her concert. While we were waiting for the concert to start, Bella told me that some friends of hers from school wanted to know if she could go see the new Beauty and the Beast movie with them Saturday evening. I don't know if you've heard, but they added some things to the new version. Gaston's sidekick LeFou is apparently obviously in love with Gaston, and another man apparently likes to wear women's clothes. Hubby and I had already decided that we weren't going to subject ourselves or our kids to that movie, but Bella does go to public school (8th grade), and is subjected to far worse on a regular basis, so I told her I'd have to think about it. I finally decided (although I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet - I plan on telling her what they did to the movie as well) that if she still wants to go, I will let her go, I'll drive her, find something to do to keep Emma occupied, and even give her money for popcorn, but that she'll have to use some of her birthday money and pay for the ticket herself. Hopefully that will be good enough for her, since I refuse to spend my money on that movie. Anyway, we didn't get home from that concert until about 9:30 pm. The next day was Tuesday, and Emma woke up complaining of a scratchy throat. By early afternoon, it had progressed to a full-on sore throat, and I started thinking she possibly had Strep. In the evening, she threw up, and still had a sore throat. I decided to call the dr in the morning. So, Wednesday morning, we saw the dr. She tested Emma and said she did not have Strep, but that her throat was inflamed looking, and that if she still had a sore throat by Friday, that she'd give her antibiotics anyway just in case. She also said that as long as she didn't have a fever, and didn't share drinks with anyone, that she would be good enough to go to Adoration today (Thursday). Yeah, by lunchtime Wednesday, Emma had a fever. So, we stayed home today except to get the car's oil changed (where I had her fairly well isolated from everyone else). That turned into a 3 hour thing when they dropped the cap to my washer fluid into the engine and couldn't get it back, and they also had to replace my engine's air filter... They had to get a new cap from the opposite side of town, so it took twice as long. At this point, all I could do was laugh at it all. A few minutes after finding out we were going to be stuck there for three hours, the mechanic came back in and said our visit would be free. Well, at least there's that! Lol Hopefully, my week of craziness is coming to an end. Emma feels much better, hasn't had a fever since last night (maybe early this morning when she woke up at 5 with a sweaty shirt), only threw up the one time, and is even saying her throat feels better and is starting to eat real food again. I'm not EXPECTING anything going on tomorrow...except for Bella's orchestra contest performance at 6:40...so hopefully all the excitement is finally dying down. Why is it we almost never have good excitement around here, but when we get bad excitement, it tends to come in spades???
Anyway that's my week so far. I hope yours has been much less stressful. :-) God Bless, Dana Since my last post, I've been doing a lot of research, thinking, and praying. I've discovered that the pregnancy tests I've been using for...close to a year?...have an apparent tendency to show false positives as well as false negatives. So, those are going in the trash... *sigh* Also, while my first cycle of Clomid was full of pregnancy symptoms, apparently the longer you use it, the more intense they get (which would account for the symptoms that were so strong and real that they even convinced my husband). So, my last pill of that also went in the trash. So, here's to only dealing with progesterone's relatively minor pregnancy symptoms (that I've pretty well gotten used to by now) going forward! Anyway, moving on. Part of my Lent this year includes reading books that are good for my soul/growth in holiness. I was just reading chapter 15 in The Screwtape Letters, and in it, the mentor demon, Screwtape, is telling the other demon, Wormwood, how important it is (for them as demons) to keep us humans focused on the future. He says that the past is frozen and no longer flows, the present is all lit up with eternal rays (and is the closest thing we experience to what God experiences), but the future is unknown to us, and so it is easier for them (the demons) to inflame our thoughts about the future with hopes and fears. He also says that nearly all vices are rooted in the future. "Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead." This chapter is really speaking to me, as I'm constantly battling the hope that our future will include a baby (or babies) at some point, and the fear that it won't. For the rest of Lent (or at least the rest of today), I'm going to try to be more aware of how I look at the future, and how often I look at it. This is especially a struggle for me right now, as my oldest, Bella, turns 14 today. 14. Next year, she'll be starting to drive...a terrifying thought. I also think about how she's 14 now, Emma is 8, and I'm wanting to add a baby. At the earliest we could have a baby, Bella would be almost 15, and Emma would be 9. Part of me thinks they would be too old to consider adding a baby to that and starting all over again. But the rest of me doesn't care. Anyway, I'm doing much better emotionally now, since discovering all that I mentioned above, but I still need prayers moving forward. Just to help me focus on the present, and how God is with me, even during my struggles (especially during my struggles). Thanks.
God bless! Dana I deleted it pretty quickly after I sent a quick response, so most people probably didn't see it, but on my last post, I got a very cruel, hurtful, and unnecessary comment. The gist of it was that the line couldn't be seen in a picture I had posted in a group (that I thought was meant as a support group) on Facebook, so I clearly wasn't pregnant. It also implied that if (God forbid) I started bleeding, or the bloodwork came back negative, that I would claim I had miscarried again, and fire my doctor, etc., etc. I didn't think this needed to be said, but I guess it does. This is MY blog, where I share MY journey through infertility and miscarriage, where I can feel safe to share openly about MY thoughts and feelings, etc. If you don't think I'm "realistic" enough, or that my losses aren't "legitimate" enough for you, please feel free to click "unfollow", or just stop visiting. I don't need your approval, and most importantly, I don't need you adding to my already high level of anxiety and self-doubt when it comes to pregnancy tests, pregnancy, and miscarriages. Thank you. In case it needs to be said, that comment and any others along those lines will be promptly deleted, and if I knew how, the person would be blocked. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I am going to now exercise my right to my own thoughts and feelings on my own blog. On Tuesday afternoon, I started having a little bit more energy, but still had all the other pregnancy symptoms, so I didn't think much about it, and continued in my guarded blissful state (while I waited for results from the blood tests that I had done on Friday and Monday) until bedtime, when something made my anxiety spike and I had trouble falling asleep. Yesterday, I woke up with virtually no pregnancy symptoms, and gradually (over the course of the day) went back to my normal amount of energy. By dinner time, I knew that bleeding was coming, and that I either am crazy and had hallucinated the line (thank you, rude commenter for putting that in my already fragile mind and heart), or that I was losing another baby (I was almost wanting to be crazy as I couldn't face the alternative). Meanwhile, most of yesterday was spent playing phone tag with the doctor's office as they were trying to track down the lab about my bloodwork results. I was already on or doing everything that would be done if I was in fact pregnant, so medically it made no difference how slow or fast they got the results from the lab and back to me (unlike with my last doctor, who could/would have changed things if she had bothered to LOOK at the results that she HAD in the computer - BIG difference). Around dinner time last night, I started getting a little crampy too. When the dog woke me up at 5 o'clock this morning, I started bleeding. I obviously couldn't get back to sleep, so I just laid awake, reading, watching a couple shows, and browsing Facebook to take my mind off of things. I had already decided that if the tests showed that I WAS pregnant, and I was doing everything that could possibly be done to save it and still lost it, that I'd give up and be done. If I WASN'T pregnant, and had just hallucinated the line with a side of INSANE pms, we'd keep trying and that would be okay. I wasn't really in the mood to go to adoration with the mom's group at my church, but as the technical leader of the group, I felt like I had to (plus I had bought more plates, styrofoam cups and coffee stirrers for the group to use - which they were out of), so I went. While I was sitting in adoration, trying to focus and pray, the doctor's office called back again. I already knew that I wasn't pregnant (anymore?), and that whatever the tests had showed could wait, so I shoved it to voicemail. Emma and I continued our morning, went to lunch, got a car wash, and went home, where I got into my jammies, closed myself in my room, got comfortable, and called the doctor's office back. I found out that my hcg level on Friday had been 2, and that when I went back on Monday for the hcg recheck, the idiot lab had drawn a progesterone level instead, so they didn't know what Monday's number was. The nurse said that a hcg level under 5 counts as "not pregnant", and since they didn't know if it had gone up or not by Monday, they were not documenting it as a "loss". So, I'm left here in a sad limbo of sorts. Was my level up by Monday? Was it not? Even if it wasn't, I'm not on any kind of hcg shots, so as far as I know, the only other cause of hcg being present at ALL is a baby... So, WAS there a tiny life attempting to grow? DO we have yet another saint in Heaven? Do we not? Nobody has really given me a firm answer, because other than God, nobody really seems sure. So, I guess I need to pray about it. I don't know at this point if I truly never conceived, and it was some fluke of medicine, or if we now have a fourth saint in Heaven, deserving of my tears and grief... So, if we could just skip the rude "I told you so" comments, and just pray for my peace and acceptance of God's Will, that would be great. This journey and cross is hard enough without the added sniping and rudeness in what is supposed to be a safe place for me to get things off of my heart and mind. And as for the rude commenter, know that I did pray for you after I read your comment that day. You must be hurting in some manner too to feel the need to lash out at me the way you did when I don't even know you.
Thanks, and God Bless! Dana God is seriously hilarious sometimes. About a week and a half ago, I started to post about how I had zero pregnancy symptoms this time, but how that was actually kind of a good thing, since it helped me not get my hopes up too high. Then I got distracted, never finished posting, and forgot about it. Lol Fast forward to last Friday. The kids wanted Jimmy John's for dinner, so I got my usual "unwhich" (basically a lettuce wrap instead of bread - very good gluten-free alternative there). I got maybe a third of the way through it, and had to put it down. I thought I was going to puke. Since then, I have had morning sickness, unreasonable exhaustion, and sore, heavier boobs. I took a pregnancy test this morning, and it was a super faint positive!!! I am SERIOUSLY freaking out at times, so worried it'll end like the last 3, but mostly really excited. I went this morning to have my progesterone and hcg checked, and they'll recheck the hcg on Monday. Assuming all goes well this time (PLEASE, GOD!!!), I'll have my first ultrasound on March 28th at 1pm. Please, please, PLEASE pray for me to have peace, strength, and (obviously) a healthy baby!
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September 2017
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