I guess I just still need prayers. God knows why, even if I can't put it all into words.
God Bless, and Merry Christmas!
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
Well, that Friday DID end up being insane, but I'm so glad we were able to go to my cousin's Bar Mitzvah. It was really cool, and very interesting! I'd never been to one before, at least not one like that. My youngest cousin read the story of Jacob and Rachel from the Torah in Hebrew like a rockstar! Lol Seriously, he was awesome! I so wish I could've taken a picture, but no electronics are allowed on the Sabbath (I did try to sneak one or two on the sly, but my phone wouldn't cooperate). It was really cool, though, and despite the women having to be separated from the men by a partition, it really looked very similar to the 1st part of the Mass (you know, if it was in Hebrew...). Afterwards, everyone was given little bags of candy to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boy, and all the kids 8ish and under could dive for some of it. From that point on, there was more food around than anyone could stomach. Lol If you even started THINKING about having an ounce of room, another plate full of food was being handed to you. :-) It was really nice, though, and one of my aunt's brothers introduced me to a siracha sauce that he had brought with him. Every time a new food was offered, he handed me the bottle. It was pretty good. We got back with about an hour to spare before Bella had to be picked up. The ride back was rough. Emma screamed a good portion of the way home. First, because Bella needed to get a drink from a vending machine, and I didn't have enough change leftover for Emma to get something other than gum. Then, because she desperately wanted to go to Terre Haute, Indiana on our way home and there wasn't time. Seriously. Terre Haute. She's been really into watching old shows, and has been watching Family Affair, where the kids come (in the story) from Terre Haute to live with their uncle in New York. We made it, though. Meanwhile, the signs of fertility continued (an obnoxious total of 14 days - usually it's 5 or 6 days), and I went back for 2 more ultrasounds, finally confirming my own natural ovulation! I got to see the busted follicle and everything. It was all jagged looking and cool. So, now, we wait. I really don't think I'm pregnant, but I have to wait 6 more days before I can test. I'm just sure that the small symptoms I AM having are just side effects from the progesterone I'm taking. At least, that's what I keep telling myself to avoid turning into a complete mess 2 days after Christmas when I'm faced with yet another negative pregnancy test. Although, in the back of my mind I keep thinking about Charlotte, and how I had ZERO symptoms with her until about 5 weeks. So, I'm doing that delicate balancing act of preparing myself for a negative test while maintaining some kind of hope. Then, yesterday, the sadness and emptiness of missing 3 kids at Christmas this year started to hit me. Charlotte would be 2 this year, and just starting to get the whole Santa thing. And, of course, I wouldn't have Margaret without first losing Michael, but at least one of them would be wearing a cute baby's 1st Christmas outfit this year. I know men process things differently, and that they don't really bond with baby until it's born, but sometimes my missing our babies feels so lonely in my house. Emma mentions them sometimes, but she's the only one, and it's probably because we spend 90% of our time together (if not more), and she knows how much I miss them. I just wish my husband would even just acknowledge them now and then. Whenever I try to bring it up, he just changes the subject or shuts down the conversation. I know in his way, he's probably trying to take my mind off of it, and cheer me up, but it would be so much better if he would let me talk about them. It would mean so much for him to bring them up to me. Especially around the holidays when anyone can see I'm struggling to fake happiness...
I guess I just still need prayers. God knows why, even if I can't put it all into words. God Bless, and Merry Christmas! Dana
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Yesterday, Emma and I drove over 2 hours to go up to Fort Wayne, IN so that I could have an ultrasound to check on how my body does ovulation on its own. The answer is: not very well. From the charting I do with Creighton (NFP), I knew that yesterday was supposed to be at or almost "peak" (ovulation). I had a few different follicles developing, but not well enough, and my endometrium wasn't quite where it needed to be either. So, they want me to come back on Friday to do another ultrasound, in the hopes that everything will be where it needs to be. I'm doubtful, but I'm going to do it anyway. The good news is that this is an easily fixed problem. The Clomid, Progesterone, and Heparin combo I'm going to be starting next cycle should fix it...hopefully. Meanwhile, I just realized not quite an hour ago exactly how NUTS Friday is going to be now. We'll have to leave home around 9:15 Friday morning, drive up to Fort Wayne again, do my appointment, then rush home to pick up the dogs, then take them to my friend's house for the weekend, hopefully have a few minutes to give instructions etc., then rush off to pick up Bella, then immediately start driving for St. Louis (my youngest cousin is having his Bar Mitzvah Saturday morning), check into the hotel, and then spend whatever is left of the evening with my family. I'm exhausted just thinking about it...
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September 2017
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