Dana
I was starting to stress a little bit that it was already lunchtime on Christmas Eve (with Bella leaving tomorrow at noon), and we had yet to talk about things, so I called Bella into my locked bedroom to talk while I finished wrapping Emma's presents. I started by apologizing to her for believing even for a second that she didn't really want to come visit us anymore. Then, I explained to her what a Guardian ad Litem is, and how extremely important it will be that she tell them the absolute truth about what she thinks and feels about everything. I also explained to her that if she hadn't told the interviewer 2 years ago that she didn't want to live with us (because she didn't want to be homeschooled - which nobody asked me if I was even PLANNING to do - I actually wasn't), I firmly believe she would be living with us now. I also told her that if something like that should happen again (an interview situation), and she was concerned/worried/stressed about ANYTHING that would affect her living with us (or not), that it would be very helpful to know about that in advance, and give her and I a chance to talk about it privately before it got overly complicated with court stuff. When I was done, I asked her if she had anything she wanted to talk about. She didn't, but she looked very relieved at everything I had to say. I gave her a big hug, told her that she was my big girl, my first girl, that she MADE me a mother, and and that I will ALWAYS love her, no matter what anyone says. Then, I told her that I promise not to believe any of that stuff, if she promised not to believe it either. She smiled and said deal. I gave her a kiss, and sent her back out to play. I feel much better now, knowing that I've told her all of that, and that she'll be leaving tomorrow more prepared for whatever will be facing her at her dad's house. On a side note, I would like to ask for more prayers. I'm in the two week wait (TWW) - the approximate two weeks between ovulation and the start of the next cycle. The last few days, I've been more tired than is reasonable (like, I wake up in the morning and I'm still exhausted), and slightly nauseous off and on. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's not really working. Please pray that I AM actually pregnant, and not just crazy. ;-) Also, if I'm not, that I'll get through the disappointment and heartbreak quickly, and not give up hope. Thanks! Merry Christmas, everyone!
Dana
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As I suspected, Bella was in some way forced to say those things to me. I picked her up at 6 this evening, with no trouble. I could see her dad and step-mother through the window, and they both looked less than pleased (okay, they looked pissed), but Bella came right out, and got in the car. I told her that I was sorry that she'd had to hear her dad scream at me earlier. She said she had been in the bathroom for that (good!). I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and she said maybe later. Then we just sat in awkward silence for a couple minutes. I started telling her all the big events that had happened since we'd last talked/seen each other: a good friend of mine that the kids love had come to visit after a couple years of being away, we'd seen my husband's long-lost sister, etc. Then she started talking to me about all that, and it was like the flood gates had opened. Her happy, sweet, bubbly self just exploded out. She wanted to get a Christmas present for Emma, so we did that. Then we got home, and she sat down with the dog, and got tackled with kisses. Then she wanted to wrap Emma's present, but didn't know how, so we had a wrapping lesson. :-) Followed that up with some pot roast, and talking around the island in the kitchen. She then started twirling and chattering around the kitchen while I finished eating. I asked her again if she wanted to talk about stuff, and she got real quiet, and said maybe in a few days. I said okay, and she was right back to happy and sweet. Then Emma and Daddy got home (they had gone out before we got home to give us some extra time alone). They both screamed the other one's name, and had a big hug in the middle of the staircase. They've been happily playing ever since. My heart is so happy. My baby doesn't hate me. Her father can scream at me all he wants. I don't care. As long as Bella knows I love her, and I know she loves me, I can endure anything. I would walk through fire for that kid. Bring it.
Happy Advent, and Merry almost Christmas! Dana I went to court for Bella today. It was horrible...but maybe in a good way? First, the judge was 30 minutes late. Then, when she finally came in, she sent me and Bella's dad out, and turned it into a lawyer conference. His group (including Bella) was down the hall, and in the main hall of the courthouse, so I sat down right outside the court room to wait. A few minutes went by, and then Bella's dad came back to where I was waiting, and started screaming at me. Finally, the court clerk/reporter, who had been in the court room with the judge and lawyers came out to tell him that the judge could hear him screaming, and that he needed to go back to his group. He then proceeded to yell and scream at HER all the way there. When she finally came back to go back to court, I asked her if she could stay with me in case he came back. She showed me a safe place that I could wait for my lawyer. My lawyer finally came to get me, and told me that I am supposed to be able to pick Bella up tonight at 6, and keep her until noon on Christmas, as we had previously agreed. As I was walking out, Bella's dad and step-mother practically threw her at me, telling her to talk to me. I gently guided her further away from them, and she said (as I'm sure she had been ordered) that she didn't really want to come visit me anymore. When I asked her why, she didn't have an answer (I guess they hadn't rehearsed that part enough). I just told her that I would see her later this evening, and we could talk then. I asked her if I could give her a hug, and she said yes, so I held her tight, and told her that I loved her SO much. Then I left. I'm on my way to pick her up now, but I'm not holding my breath. I do have the court order with me to show the police, should it come to that. Not really sure what to hope for here. If I have to call the police, that would be better for us in the long run, but I really don't want Bella to have to experience all of that. Plus, apparently the court is appointing a Guardian ad Litem (GAL - child advocate). I'm sure that my homeschooling Emma will come up at some point...kind of nervous about that...hopefully it won't be anything like our last experience with a GAL... Long story short, please keep praying, especially for Bella. We go back to court January 14.
Thanks, and God bless Dana We go to court tomorrow at 2pm EST. Bella's Christmas break with us was supposed to start this afternoon, but that didn't happen. That makes 3 times in a row that I was supposed to be able to pick her up, that I wasn't allowed to. Emma misses her sister terribly, and I'm extremely worried about Bella's mental and emotional health right now. Every time that I'm supposed to be able to call her with no answer, or pick her up when she's not even there, I text her, reminding her that we love her and miss her. There's nothing else I can do, other than pray. I know that we probably have hundreds of people praying for us and for Bella. Still, the past experiences I've had in court have done nothing to instill me with confidence in the system. I just keep trying to remind myself that we don't have the same judge that we had when we lost Bella the first time, my lawyer IS good (and BOY is he MAD!!), and I have done absolutely nothing wrong. Still, the possibility of me never seeing Bella again (what her dad is suggesting) is just filling me with fear and anxiety. If you think about it tomorrow at 2pm EST, PLEASE say a prayer for Bella, and that I would have the strength and courage to do and say whatever needs to be said and done for Bella.
Thanks, Dana On Friday, I found out the "reasons" that Bella's dad was using to justify keeping me from seeing her. There was a list of 5 or 6 completely made up, horrible lies. Thankfully, one of the lies was easily refuted with pictures that I quickly sent to my lawyer. Just now, I checked my email, and my lawyer had sent a petition for me to look over and sign. It looked great! Signed, scanned, and emailed back. There is hope that we'll actually have Bella for Christmas break still! Fingers crossed, and please continue prayers!
Is my daughter back. So, turns out, Bella wasn't just turning into a teenage brat. She was BEING turned...at least that's my current theory. I went to pick her up this afternoon, waiting for the bus for 20 minutes. Finally, I went to her door, thinking maybe I had somehow missed the bus. I knocked, but nobody answered. I got back in the car, and started texting her and her dad. No answer. Emma had had a play date, and her friend's mom was waiting to meet us around the corner, so I texted Bella that I had to drop the friend off, but that I'd be back in a couple of minutes. I dropped the friend off, and started back to Bella's dad's house. By this time, I had FINALLY gotten a text back from her dad. He was telling me to give up and go home. Um, no. Not without my daughter. I texted him as much. He texted back to just go ahead and go home. I about lost my mind. I texted him back that he'd better send her out if he didn't want to go to court. He basically said to go ahead. Fine. 15 freaking days before Christmas, he had to pull this. No possible way I'll get in front of a judge in that time. Meanwhile, I had to explain to Emma that while it's unlikely we'll see Bella tomorrow (we were supposed to have her this weekend), we're going to try anyway. Same for Christmas break. Argh!!!! I'm so mad, I could scream! I don't know if I should be relieved that it likely wasn't really Bella saying those things to me on Tuesday, or more worried. My gut says to be more worried. What is she going through, or being threatened with that made her say that? Or worse, has her pulling away from me lately been him brainwashing her somehow? Whatever the reason, we all need prayers, but especially for Bella. As soon as I realized that they WEREN'T EVEN HOME, I texted Bella one last time. I told her that I don't know what is going on over there, but I want her to know that I love her, and I will NEVER stop trying to talk to her and see her.
Okay, so I know that probably only about half of you know the full story about how Bella came to live with her dad instead of us. I'm going to attempt a brief summary of the custody situation from her birth until now. Okay, I'm going to have to start a little further back, but I'll try to keep it brief. When I was 18, I was told by a very smart doctor (now some high ranking official at Lilly), that I would never be able to have children, but that if I really wanted them, it would take severe fertility treatments, AND an Act of God. Tell a depressed 18 year old with self esteem issues, that kids are nearly impossible, and see what happens. Lol I became fairly promiscuous, and wound up with a surprise pregnancy when I had just turned 21. Bella's father was less than supportive, saying he hoped I'd have a miscarriage, etc. Well, I didn't, and 9 months later, Bella was born. Her father wanted little to do with her until she was about a year old. Then, he suddenly wanted to establish paternity and all of the rights, etc. He started getting Bella pretty regularly from then on. When Bella was 18 months old, she came home from his house with evidence of abuse. It was reported by doctors, as were the many, many, many other times that she came back from being with him, and had suspicious things to say and show us. Long story short(er), we wound up in court to try to protect her from whoever was abusing her under her father's care (if it wasn't him, he was at least permitting it to occur many times). After years of going back and forth with the court, and court ordered counseling for us all, (and a joke of a child advocate) the court finally decided that HE should have custody, and I should have supervised visitation. This was 1 week before her fifth birthday. Everyone was in shock. Even my lawyer couldn't believe it had come out that way. Bella and I had been very, very close before we lost custody. Unfortunately, we not only lost custody, but we had only supervised visitation for about a year, which meant that certain topics were not allowed, I couldn't even be in a room alone with Bella for 5 seconds, and our relationship started to suffer. Phone contact was only allowed if I had not recently offended her father somehow, or if he was in a good mood. That all got better eventually, but by then, Bella had come to believe that I was somehow less of a parent than her father, and our close relationship was all but gone. Then, fast forward to two years ago, when we tried to get custody back. Her father had been doing some really bad stuff (NEVER telling me when doctors appointments were, just stuff like that), and we had the best chance yet of succeeding in getting her back. I asked Bella, and she said she did still want to live with us, so we went for it. A few months into the process, Bella tells the court interviewer that she does NOT want to live with us, and so the custody stayed mainly the same (I got a few extra hours a week). When I found that out, I was crushed. Especially, when I found out that the reason she had said that was because she didn't want to be homeschooled (nobody had ever said anything about her being homeschooled, and I had actually planned on sending her to a Catholic school halfway between my house and her dad's!). If she had said something to me before saying that to the interviewer, or if the interviewer had done his job PROPERLY, and given me the chance to explain, Bella would probably be living with us now. But that isn't how it went. So, everything went along as it had been, and I tried my very best not to let what Bella said to the interviewer affect how I felt about her, or have an effect on our relationship. Then, a couple months ago, Bella started pulling away more. She'll be 13 in March, so I figured she just needed that space, and that I was no longer "cool" enough to talk to or want to hang out with, since every time I tried to talk to her, or Emma tried to talk to her, she would just stare at her phone, and grunt or say "uh huh" or "okay" in a bored &/ condescending tone. So, we stopped trying to include her in conversation, etc. She was always welcome to join in, but we stopped straining to get her to have an opinion about anything. Then, I called her last night (as I do EVERY Tuesday and Wednesday at the allowed time). I was telling her about our day, and her voice sounded off, so I asked her if she was okay (she's always sick...colds and flus mostly), and she started saying that she thinks I love Emma more than her. Why, you ask? Because I spend more time with Emma than Bella, and because when Bella's with us, I talk to Emma more. I tried to explain to her that I do spend more time with Emma, but she lives with us, and she's 7...she still needs me more than Bella does, plus she's homeschooled, so we're ALWAYS together. As for the talking, I told Bella that I try to talk to her, and it always feels like she doesn't want to talk to ME, so I was trying to respect that, and give her some space. I asked her if she had any ideas on how to fix this, and she didn't. So, we just left it that we'd both think about it. So, apparently I'm officially the parent of a teen now. My kid thinks I hate her. Ugh. I obviously feel like a giant, steaming pile of poo now. So, I guess when she comes over on Thursday, we're going to have to have a deep talk about how we got to this place, and how we can get back to a good relationship. Then, when she comes for a couple of weeks at Christmas, I'll have to make a special effort to get her alone, so we can have time just the two of us. And now I feel guilty for loving Emma as much as I do, and wanting to do fun stuff with her. I'd do fun stuff with Bella too, but she acts like she barely wants to acknowledge my presence most of the time, and besides, when she IS here for a weekend, we try to do stuff as a family, and save fun, family activities for when she can be here, so it's hard to carve out special time for just the two of us. If this is the kind of thing I'm in for the next several years...I better get stock in wine! I was so heartbroken last night after talking to her, that now I'm doubting if I want to try so hard to have another baby. I know this will pass, and I will still want another one (if only to better my odds of having at least 1 kid who likes me at any given time), but right now, I feel like a parenting failure, and like I should just focus on Bella, but then I don't want Emma to start feeling neglected. How do big families do this??? I only have two, and I feel like I'm drowning. I thought having a toddler was hard...they have nothing on teenagers...it's a whole other kind of hard.
Anyway, I hope you all are enjoying the unseasonably nice weather! Dana |
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September 2017
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