Michael Austin Lashley
Well, I have to go crack a whip at Emma, to get her to clean her room, so I've got to go now. ;-)
God Bless!
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
When I was thinking about what Michael's middle name should be, I decided that I wanted the middle name to start with "A", so he could have the same initials as my husband. I also wanted a name that meant something nice, but also went well with Michael. So, as I was searching through the baby name book, there were only two boy "A" names that meant something nice, went with Michael, and that I knew how to pronounce. They were Andrew and Austin. Andrew was one of the Apostles of Jesus, and I like the sound of it with Michael. Austin is a shorter form of Augustine, the name of the saint who was the son of St. Monica, my patron saint. I felt like naming my son after the son of my patron saint might be kinda cool, so.... Michael Austin LashleyIt feels good to finally have his name complete. I hope he likes it. I still have a lot of peace with this loss, but sometimes, it feels like I have a sob stuck. Hopefully that feeling will get even less over time. Last night, I went out with some moms from our homeschool co-op, and one of them was telling me about a book called The Miracle Ship and a layman who has special gifts of the Holy Spirit, and might be able to help us with having another baby (and maybe my husband's conversion???). He lives in Ireland, but will help via phone also. Couldn't hurt to try! Anyway, I downloaded the book on my Kindle app last night for $5. So, it's on my to-be-read-soon list, along with finishing my friend Stephanie's book.
Well, I have to go crack a whip at Emma, to get her to clean her room, so I've got to go now. ;-) God Bless! Dana
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Emma's retreat was on Saturday, when I received that message from Heaven. By Monday evening, I had total peace with this last miscarriage, and even a kind of joy in knowing that our son had been named in Heaven. I actually had so much peace, that we went back to trying to conceive (TTC) again. Thanks to the Creighton method of NFP, we could change our minds mid-cycle, and have a real confidence in when to try. On Tuesday, I had this lump on my chin removed. Surgery was at noon, and at 3, I had my Napro appointment. Surgery went great! I had a nice nap, and I haven't even needed Tylenol! Every now and then it aches or stings a little, but never that bad, and never for that long. The Napro appointment was equally awesome. My husband had taken off of work to drive me to surgery and back, so he was able to come with me to the Napro appointment also. One of my friends kept Emma for the whole day, so we didn't have to worry about her. My doctor looked at my chart (Creighton), all of my supplements, and the list of questions I had typed up pre-surgery, and said that it was looking good. She wanted me to get a pelvic ultrasound done in the next week or so to check for PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), but said she didn't expect to find anything bad. She also wanted me to double the amount of folate that I was taking, add post-peak progesterone, and if I get pregnant again, she'll want to put me on Lovenox (blood thinner) in addition to the baby aspirin. No major adjustments, or re-working the supplements I'm on, so that's a relief.
I do have heterogeneous MTHFR A1289C, which (as far as MTHFR goes) isn't THAT bad. It is still most likely the cause of my miscarriages, migraines, etc., but it isn't as severe as other kinds. So, that's good news. And, in talking to more people who have this mutation, it sounds like a natural birth next time may still be an option. Yay! :-) So, all in all, I guess I've had a pretty good week. I hope you have too. God bless, Dana This morning, Emma had her First Reconciliation retreat at church. Father talked to the kids about the sacrament of Reconciliation, then blessed a bunch of handmade rosaries that a parishioner made for each child's First Communion. The kids received their rosaries, and prayed two decades of the Sorrowful mysteries of the rosary, and finished with a tour of the church. While we were all praying the rosary together, I experienced an overwhelming moment where I felt someone telling me that the baby we just lost had been a boy, and that his name is Michael. My husband has a brother named Michael, and let's just say that nobody's really a fan...so I'm not really sure how I feel about the name, but the feeling that that is his name was so strong, that I don't feel like I can refuse it. I didn't get a sense of a middle name, though, so I think I'm going to look through the name book, and come up with one that I like with Michael. So stay tuned for his completed name in the near future. Finally, I just wanted to share how grateful I am for NFP (Natural Family Planning), but specifically for the Creighton method. Thanks to this method, I feel confident that I can naturally avoid a pregnancy this month to allow my body and heart time to heal from this miscarriage, and not have to worry about chemicals or breaking condoms, and then being able to going back to trying to conceive again next month if I feel ready, and if I feel comfortable enough with my MTHFR protocol by then. I'm so grateful to be able to take it one month at a time when deciding when to take that chance again. Neither of us are getting any younger, so I don't want to wait more than I need to, so prayers please that my heart and body are ready soon.
Thanks, and God bless! Dana Overall, I think I'm dealing with this miscarriage much better than my last. At least, I like to think I am. Although, maybe I'm just dealing with it differently. Last time was almost two years ago (April 1), and I remember the sobbing in the closet, trying to stuff my feelings down, so I could still take care of my mom and Emma. I remember being totally numb, and then, out of nowhere, having days where I couldn't stop sobbing again. This time, I've shed tears, and sobbed like before, but I don't think as much. Mostly, I've just been numb. It's almost been like waking up from a bad dream. I still remember it, and know what's happening, but sometimes I forget. Or, I'll catch myself being "normal" and feel guilty. In a way, this time has been a little easier, I think partly because it was SO early. We had only been sure I was pregnant for a few days this time. Last time, I had a couple weeks, almost 3, to embrace the baby emotionally, and start looking at baby names, start needing at least looser fitting clothes, if not quite maternity clothes yet. And, in a way, this time has been harder too. We hadn't even started talking about names yet. And I was SO early, that there's still a seed of doubt in my mind that I was even pregnant, although the prolonged bleeding encourages me that I was. I feel guilty that there's at least one soul in Heaven that we've helped to create with no name. I've prayed to Jesus, and asked Him how many children we have in Heaven, and genders, so that we can name them. No response. I've struggled before with praying, and feeling like I'm just talking to myself. But right now, that feeling is especially strong. In my numb, trying to be "normal"...but not TOO "normal" balancing act, I occasionally find myself lashing out unexpectedly. On Sunday, I snapped at my husband. I felt awful, apologized to him, and went to confession, but I still feel bad about it. He understood, of course, but I'm mad at myself that I did that. Then, something on Facebook will strike me wrong, and I'll just get taken off guard, and not realize how upset I am until I'm typing something. For example, one of my friends on Facebook, who has also experienced infertility, loss and is currently pregnant (delivering tomorrow) posted this picture this morning: When someone is pregnant, she is not “expecting a child” – she already has one. She is not “going to be a mother” – she already is a mother. The baby is not “on the way,” the baby has already arrived. If we are going to change the way society treats unborn children, we have to change the way we talk about them. -Frank Pavone, 7/7/12 This was my comment: "That's part of what makes miscarriage so horrible. Most of society can't wrap their heads around the fact that even though the baby was microscopic, and you never held it, or saw its face, you loved it like any other child, and mourn its absence. Even pro-lifers don't fully grasp it unless they've gone through it." I know I didn't need to say that, since she knows, and has been there. But I couldn't help typing it anyway. So, maybe I'm not handling this as well as I thought...I guess I have more anger and bitterness than I realize about this all. I just can't understand how God could allow some women to get pregnant over and over, knowing that they're just going to kill them in abortion, or abandon them after birth, or abuse or neglect them later on. Then, deny good, solid, loving couples and families babies that would be loved beyond measure. I just don't understand. I know God doesn't need to clear His plans with me, but it would be nice if I could see any kind of good in this. Even through all my other trials and sufferings in my life, I've always held on to the fact that God can make good come from everything. I'm finding it near impossible to hold onto that right now. Especially in light of the new diagnosis that I got the same week as our loss. The more I research MTHFR, the more confused and frustrated I get. It's such a new discovery still, that there's not much in the way of cold, hard facts. Science is very slow in nailing down what is helpful for MTHFR, what is harmful, and what has no impact. So, while the "expert" says folic acid is bad, and to use methylated folate instead, there's not really any scientific proof of that yet. The only things that everyone can seem to agree on are that my blood is thicker than normal, clots easier, and I can't break down certain vitamins. Mostly folic acid and the B's from what I've gathered so far. There's at least 64 conditions that MTHFR can cause or make worse. Doctors and naturopaths are trying to figure out protocols basically on the fly, with no REAL scientific guidance. I've been talking to other people on Facebook with this thing, and some have protocols that include only smoothies and a baby aspirin, while others take pills. Some take fish oil, some don't. Some insist on methylated folate, some take folic acid. Some have gone on to have healthy babies after diagnosis, some have not. It's all so confusing. I have an appointment on Tuesday afternoon with my Napro doctor to discuss which version of MTHFR I have (apparently there's 2 kinds that cause trouble, but several different versions of those, and different ways to approach all of them), and a plan. My husband is taking off of work (I also am getting a benign lump on my chin removed that morning), and we have a sitter so that he can go with me, and we can both ask questions. The thing is, if I ignore my MTHFR, I could and probably will in time be affected by some of the 64 conditions. I have experience already with four of them, and can see many more in my mom's side of the family. If I treat the MTHFR, I have a better chance of a healthy life in general, but I also have a better chance of conceiving again, and probably miscarrying again. I have a better chance of carrying to term with the treatments, but not guaranteed. I also have a chance of having a stroke while pregnant or in delivery, so my dreams of a natural childbirth next time could very easily turn into a C-section, just so I don't have a stroke or bleed out due to the blood thinners. Anyway, I guess I just need time, prayers, and answers. It's just a lot to process all at once.
Hugs and Prayers always welcome! God Bless, Dana I apologize in advance if I ramble and jumble things up a bit. I'm writing this right now in a state of shock, disbelief, and pretty heavy grief. I found out the other day that I'm positive for MTHFR mutation. I'm not entirely sure yet what all that entails, but I know it's a genetic condition where my body doesn't process folic acid like it should. It can cause all sorts of lovely things like stroke, repeated miscarriage, and Alzheimers, among others. There are treatments, and I started a couple of them on Monday. As if that weren't upsetting enough, today, I found out that 1 of 3 options is happening. 1) My body has been totally and completely lying to me the past couple weeks (including being 3 days late). 2) I'm about to lose baby #(at least)4 (maybe it was baby #6, or even more). 3) I've already lost the baby, and my body just hasn't fully realized it yet. Either way, looks like we still don't need to get a baby's room ready. I'm just heartbroken. I was SO sure. My body even managed to convince my husband this time (that's a first). Looks like the last 5 years of trying and praying for a baby aren't ending just yet. Trying so hard to not just give up. Prayers appreciated.
This is the first post in a little while that's not about Bella. As I mentioned before all the Bella drama, I recently started seeing a Napro Dr, here in Indianapolis. She uses the Creighton model of NFP (Natural Family Planning), had me start seeing a coach, and add folic acid and extra B6 to my pills. I did, and I'm currently in the second cycle since doing that. A little over a week ago, I started noticing some pregnancy-type symptoms. I occasionally do that (I believe it's called the "2 week wait pyschosis" ;-) lol). However, this time, they haven't gone away, and even my husband noticed a couple things looked "fuller" a few days ago. I've obviously taken a couple pregnancy tests, but they were both negative (took one on Peak/ovulation+10 days, one on P+12). For once, that didn't bother me, because of ALL the symptoms. Still, I was waiting to confirm before formally announcing anything. Anyway, I went to the bathroom around lunchtime, and saw 3 drops of pink spotting. I obviously started panicking, thinking I was about to lose another baby. I found some progesterone suppositories from when I lost Charlotte, used one, laid down, and paged the doctor. While I was waiting for a call back, I reached out to a few friends for prayers, and a couple of my groups on Facebook (the infertility group and the miscarriage support group). There were several women who suggested it could be implantation bleeding (today is P+13), so I'm asking prayers that that's what it was. I have no signs of impending AF, so that's good, I guess. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to endure another miscarriage
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September 2017
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