You would think that I would be used to this by now. You would think that after 6 years of trying for a baby, that my heart wouldn't be able to still break with a negative pregnancy test. You would think I wouldn't allow myself so much hope every. Single. Cycle. You would think that I would give up on the symptom spotting, looking for any indication that THIS time it's real. THIS time it's MY turn...finally. You would be wrong. After my first round of Clomid, what had seemed like implantation pain at the appropriate time, and a decent amount of pregnancy signs and symptoms, I was faced with a big fat negative this morning. And we have family pictures for the church directory tonight at 6. So, I have roughly 7 1/2 hours to get out of this funk and look happy... So, here I sit in adoration. Once again, disappointed and broken hearted after yet another negative pregnancy test this morning. As I sit here, across the aisle from another mom, breastfeeding and chasing her crawling baby around the church, all I can think about is that stupid negative test. I've tried crocheting, but can't focus enough to make it look decent, so I have to undo whatever I've just done. I tried reading St. Faustina's diary, which usually reassures me and comforts me, but I realized at the bottom of the page that I had no idea what the page had even been about, so I put that down. I even tried playing a mindless game on my phone, since that usually occupies my mind just enough to help me concentrate and pray. Even that didn't help. So, as a last ditch effort to be able to focus on anything besides my broken heart, I thought I'd blog about it. Maybe putting my emotions "out there" will allow me to focus on Jesus and pray for these last few minutes of my adoration hour. Just maybe.
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So, big shocker...had another negative pregnancy test after my last update. So, this time around, I was on Clomid (here's hoping for twins!), and I used an ovulation predictor kit in addition to my Creighton charting to know EXACTLY when our best chances for conceiving were, and made sure to make the most of those days. Everything that could be done (within reason) was done to ensure conception, and I started on my Heparin shots this morning. I have to go tomorrow for a progesterone blood check and then I'll start the progesterone too. Please, please, PLEASE pray that this cycle is "our" cycle! Hubby's birthday is February 9, and what an AWESOME early birthday present a baby would be! Meanwhile, since my last update, we've had Christmas and New Year's and the ice storm that almost was. Christmas was okay...as okay as Christmas can be for me these days. I survived it, and didn't even end up drinking that much! I was very proud of my mother-in-law. For the first time ever, she gave the girls a reasonable amount of presents and cards with cash (whatever was left that she wanted to spend on them but didn't). It was lovely! Dinner was rough. I couldn't bring myself to eat the things I had eaten last Christmas when I was pregnant with Michael, and unfortunately, those are the very things that hubby made. I managed to eat enough other things, though, that I don't think anyone noticed my not eating what used to be my favorite Christmas foods (and if they did, nobody said anything). New Year's was nice and quiet. The party we almost always go to was canceled, so we just stayed home instead. We had a couple of friends over the night before New Year's Eve for dinner and just to hang out (my attempt to get my husband some guy friends so I only invited those friends of mine that I thought had husbands my husband would like to hang out with), and that was nice. It was our first "party" that we've ever had that wasn't a birthday party for the kids or something along those lines. Then, this weekend, we were supposed to get this horrible ice storm that was supposed to make the roads terrible, and everyone was worried about it. Yeah...I think we had 2 hours or so yesterday morning that were icy, but otherwise the roads have been just fine. I also went to court for Bella the beginning of this month. Nothing's really changing, my lawyer is having quadruple bypass surgery on Tuesday (PRAYERS FOR HIM, PLEASE!!!), and we go back again the end of April. Well, I think that's pretty much all my news for the moment. Hopefully, I'll be back with some REALLY great news in about 11 days...
God Bless, Dana |
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September 2017
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