Take care, and God bless!
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
I started my day today with yet another negative pregnancy test. I figured it would be negative, so it didn't hurt as much as some have, but every negative is still a little discouraging. Anyway, I shook it off, and Emma and I went to Mass at our old parish. Of course, right after Communion, the priest called all the pregnant women up to the front for a special blessing. Emma and I were essentially in the front row (we were in the second row, but practically nobody sits in the very front, because of the uncomfortable kneelers), so I got the full view of all the pregnant bellies in their various stages. That stung. I just sat there, looking at them, thinking that I could've been up there too. Anyway, we went to our old parish today mostly because the time was better for us to all go to the co-op picnic together. Emma and I could've gone to our current parish, and just gone straight to the picnic afterwards, but hubby had said he would go too. It didn't make sense to drive from the west side, downtown, back to the west side, and then the east side, so that was a pretty big factor in deciding to go there today too. Of course, after Emma and I got home, and waited for him to get back from the store, he walked in and said that his foot hurt, and he wasn't going. So, we went without him. We were both disappointed, but me more than Emma. I had really been looking forward to socializing together as a family (something we RARELY get to do), especially after my hard morning. Well, as we were driving across town, Emma had her earbuds in, so I got to listen to some grownup radio (Catholic Radio Indy 89.1FM for you local folks), and they were talking about a quote from somebody (I forget who, but I think Chesterton) that talked about how we shouldn't worry about our will, and what we want, but only be concerned with God's Will , and what He wants. So, I spent a lot of the rest of the day thinking about that, forcing myself to not care that I'm still not pregnant, and to just praise God and trust that His timing and plans are perfect, and there must be a reason why I'm not pregnant. As funny as it sounds, surrendering my will to God's Will is a serious act of the will. I literally felt like I was fighting with myself. The part that I'm really struggling with, though, is trying to figure out where God's Will and my responsibilities intersect. Okay, so I'm obviously not supposed to get pregnant right now. Am I ever going to get pregnant again? Should I give up? If I give up trying for a baby, go off my meds, and DO end up getting pregnant, the chances of a miscarriage are probably at least 90% for me. So, unless we try at least as hard to not get pregnant as we've tried TO get pregnant, I pretty much have to stay on my meds until menopause (I'm 35, so I probably still have several more years before that hits), which totally sucks, as that includes a solid 2 weeks of twice daily injections each month. Something new that happened last week, is that I got a spiritual director. He's a fairly newly ordained priest, who is a convert from the Anglican church, a husband, and father of 7. He's very nice, easy to talk to, and has a unique expertise when it comes to Church teachings and raising a family. We just had our first session last Tuesday, and I see him again on Wednesday. I think I'll ask him my question about God's Will and my responsibilities.
Take care, and God bless! Dana
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Okay, good news first: this cycle has been back to normal, which is great (although I doubt I'm pregnant, but we still have about a week and a half before I can test). So, for now, I guess we just keep plugging along.
Now onto my newest cross to carry: I found out yesterday at my first joint appointment with Bella and her therapist that Bella chose to be confirmed in her father's Methodist church. I don't know when it happened, but it did. It could have been last week, or 3 months ago for all I know. Now, I know that my readers are a mixed group, and may not completely grasp the heaviness of this cross, so I'll try to explain a little more. As a Catholic, we believe a few things very differently from the Methodist group. For example, we believe that when Jesus said in John 6:35-58 "..."Very truly, I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you...", that He was serious, and speaking quite literally. After all, He repeated Himself several times, each time getting more intense than the last. He lost followers over this. He never once told those followers, "Hey, guys, it's okay, I'm just talking symbolically or spiritually. Come back." No, He let them leave, knowing full well that they were putting their very souls in danger if they didn't come back. From what I googled, the Methodist group teaches that Jesus is present in communion only spiritually of symbolically. The Catholic Church also teaches that contraception and abortion are wrong. 100%, all the time, no exceptions. The Methodist church is cool with contraception AND abortion (the violent murder of an innocent unborn child), as long as you "pray about it" first. The Catholic Church teaches that Jesus chose only men to be His first priests, bishops, and pope, so only men can have those roles. The Methodist church not only "ordains" women priests, but is also cool with openly gay and lesbian priests. I'm sure there are more, but that's all I can think of from the google search I did yesterday afternoon. With all of this, I highly doubt that Bella would be allowed to receive Communion with us now. Even if she still believes in the True Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist (which I doubt, if she was just confirmed in the Methodist church), when you receive Communion (at least in the Catholic Church), you are saying with your body "I believe fully that everything the Catholic Church teaches as true is Truth", which she obviously doesn't now. So, her receiving Communion would be a lie. The thing is, when she told me, I was obviously confused and hurt (especially since she's supposed to be starting Confirmation classes at our parish next month), but I asked her "what specifically about the Methodist church was it that made you want to choose it over our Church?". She didn't really have an answer. If someone had asked me that question when I first converted to the Catholic Church 6 1/2 years ago, I would have (and did a couple times) said that it was the perfect blend of my mom's Jewish heritage, and my dad's Christian heritage. I would have said that it was Jesus in the Eucharist that I could see and touch. I would have said the reverence of the Mass. I would have said that I liked how they always had readings from the Old and New Testaments at every Mass. I can't imagine being asked that question and having absolutely no response. Keeping in mind, that when I asked her that, it wasn't out of anger, or anything like that. I was honestly interested and curious. She said that she took classes to prepare for this confirmation, so she had to have been given SOME kind of information that made her want to leave her Catholic Faith. Right? Anyway, we both really need prayers. Her, especially. Even if she truly wants to be Methodist, she should have a reason WHY. Not just because her dad wanted her to, or because all of her friends were doing it. A personal, REAL reason why. The only thing she said that she liked better about her dad's church is the music. They have a whole band with a drum. Really? You're going to leave Jesus in the Eucharist for a good band? There has to be more than that. Please, just pray that as we move forward, she would understand better what it is that she's leaving, and what it is that she's going toward. With as little time as we have her for, I doubt she fully understands either faith. Thanks, all. God Bless. Dana The last few weeks have been extra hard for me, emotionally. As I'm sure I've mentioned in previous posts, I take twice daily heparin (a blood thinner) injections from peak plus 3 days (essentially 3 days after ovulation) until I get a positive pregnancy test or start my period, and I also take progesterone at the same time. This is to (God willing) prevent me from going through yet another miscarriage. I've been doing this for the last 3 months or so. No pregnancy yet, which is aggravating enough when you have to stab yourself twice a day for roughly two weeks every month for nothing, but this last cycle was just awful. It kept looking like I was going to ovulate, but I never did. I'm not on any new meds, no big change in diet, environment, or stress level, and none of the meds I do take would cause my cycle to be so wonky. For several days after starting my period, I bordered on anxiety and depression. I kept wondering if I could be starting an early pre-menopause, or if I should call the doctor, or if we should just give up on the whole baby thing. However, even if I wanted to give up, I really can't. If I gave up trying, and DID actually get pregnant, by the time I realized it, it would already be too late to start back on the heparin shots and progesterone, and would be an almost guaranteed miscarriage again. So, I'm stuck. However, after practically crying all through my adoration hour on Thursday, and lots of prayers, I have been more peaceful yesterday and today. I decided to wait and see what this cycle holds, and if it turns out to be as wonky as this last one, I WILL call the doctor. Maybe there is something he could give me to get me back into my normal pattern. In the meantime, I would really appreciate any prayers. For my continued peace, for God's will to be done, and for my to be able to carry my crosses with faith, patience, and courage.
Thank you, and God bless! Dana |
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September 2017
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