THANK YOU again for all the prayers! They are working!
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
First of all, I wanted to thank everyone who has been praying for me. Just a few days ago, I woke up with a calm heart and peace in my soul. At first, I thought it was just a quick break, but it has lasted! Please, if you've been praying for my peace, keep it up! Tomorrow is the beginning of November, which is typically my hardest month of the year. In November, we now have Margaret's birthday (Nov. 9), Charlotte's birthday (Nov. 23 - the day before Thanksgiving this year), Thanksgiving which centers (at least for me) around family, which only serves to remind me of those missing at our table, and the secular world's beginning of the Christmas season with ad after ad, picture after picture of whole and happy families, babies and kids smiling and laughing on tv and everywhere you look, etc (in addition to spending the day with my MIL, who traditionally says SOMETHING about us having another baby, or something else like that during the day - although last year wasn't too bad, but I was pretty well toasted all day, so...). Now for the update: I've started my last cycle of my "break", and last week I called Dr. Stroud (my NaPro doctor), and I have an appointment on Nov. 30 with him to discuss next steps, and options to increase our chances of conceiving. This SHOULD time out to be at the beginning of my next cycle, or the very end of this one. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but trying to have hope at the same time that he will have some awesome idea, and that by this time next year I might have a baby to hold. So, while you're praying for my peace, if you could also throw a couple in for him, that would be awesome. Just for his wisdom, and for the Holy Spirit to let him know what God wants for me and my family.
THANK YOU again for all the prayers! They are working! Dana
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On October 1, I was on Facebook, and saw a picture of a really cool rosary that had letter beads spelling out the names of people on it. I instantly wanted one for myself with the names of my kids on it, so I asked the person who made it how much she would charge to make me one. It was more than I was comfortable paying, so she told me where I could buy the rosary parts, and I made one myself! I got the crucifix, center, and Our Father beads online at this website, the letter beads, colored glass beads, eye pins (what the beads are on), and extra wire circles at Jo-Ann Fabric, and used a generic jewelry making tool set from Walmart. The whole thing took maybe a couple hours to make, and I absolutely love it! I finished it, and had it blessed on Tuesday, and have been using it to pray ever since! The crucifix has 4 tiny pictures on the ends of the cross. The one on the top is I think of God the Father with a dove representing the Holy Spirit between Him and Christ, with the wings and tail feathers shown behind Jesus' head. The one on the left is an angel. The one on the right I think is Mary, and on the bottom is a picture of the Eucharist. The Our Father beads that I got look like joined wedding bands, and the center is of the Holy Family. For the first 3 Hail Mary beads, I used mine and my husband's first initials with a heart between them, then going around in order from oldest to youngest, I have the names and birthstone colored beads of all 5 of my children. First is Bella, born in March 2003 with light blue beads. Then comes Emma, born in October 2008 with pink beads. Next is Charlotte, born into Heaven in April 2014 with a clear/white bead. Then, Michael who was supposed to be born in September with dark blue beads (he was born into Heaven in January 2016, but I like September's birthstone better, so I picked that). Finally, Margaret, born into Heaven in February 2016 with purple beads. I absolutely love this rosary! It's beautiful, I love every piece of it, with the symbology I was able to include, and of course, the names of all my children! Of course, there's five decades of the rosary, and I have five children, so it's easy, but I'm sure there are ways to make it work with more or less kids. You may need to just use the initials of your kids if you have more than five, or something, but I'm sure there are ways! :-) Here's a picture of the whole thing put together! If you want to make one yourself, and have any questions, feel free to ask! I'll help if I can!
God bless! Dana You would think that at this point in my life, after experiencing as much death and loss as I have, that I would be something of an expert when it comes to grief. After all, by the time I was 18, I had lost a friend, my foster-sister, my favorite grandfather, and my dad. And the death and loss didn't stop there. Anyway, around the time I wrote my last post, I started grieving heavily for Margaret (who still wouldn't be due for almost another month). I was feeling guilty on top of the grief, because I had been a little sad on Michael's due date, but was pretty much fine leading up to it. I felt almost angry at myself for being so sad already for Margaret, and not sad enough for Michael...not that you can really control these things...it was weird. Then, we got some really shocking news last Tuesday. My husband's 53 year old sister (who had a history of hiding from the family for years at a time, and then popping back in for awhile) had apparently gotten even skinnier than she had always been (probably 5'7" or so, and I'd say maybe 110-120 lbs, soaking wet), got down to 80 lbs, went to sleep, and didn't wake up. The shock and suddenness of it made my grieving for Margaret take a backseat, and I got a break from it for about a week. It was nice at first, to not be so depressed, although I obviously felt horrible for my husband and his family, especially my nephew, her son - who found her. It hasn't really affected me much personally, at least not yet. I tried for a long time to be close to her, but her frequent disappearing act made that nearly impossible. Plus, because she was so good at disappearing for such long stretches (she wouldn't come to family functions, wouldn't answer the phone or call anyone, etc.), and because she was so young, maybe I'm so fine with it because it still doesn't feel real to me. I don't know. I also found out later that week that my 94 year old grandmother (in Maryland, the one I took my girls to meet this summer) is starting to fail in a major way. Probably won't be long from the sound of things. Anyway, as of this Monday, I'm slowly easing back into my grief for Margaret, which is actually nice, because I was starting to miss it in a way - so strange, right? Tonight was Emma's first meeting of Little Flowers for the year, and as I was sitting there, talking to the other moms, I found out that one of them is pregnant. Obviously, I'm happy for her, but it definitely stung. Next month's meeting falls on Margaret's due date, so I doubt I'll be up to going. I already asked a friend if Emma could go with her if I can't deal, and she said yes, so I have my bases covered. I just hate it that I have to feel pain mingled with joy at every pregnancy and birth announcement. Why can't I just be happy for my friends without the heartache that comes with it? I wish I could smile a real smile when I hear that news, instead of my "I'm trying so hard not to cry right now, even though I wish you only the best" smile that I've gotten so used to doing. I've just decided that grief is so weird and strange...which in itself I find weird, because I know grief so intimately, and have for so very long - or, at least I thought I did. Anyway, I still definitely need prayers, if you don't mind. For peace, and acceptance of God's Will.
Thanks, and God bless! Dana |
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September 2017
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