Thanks, and God bless
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
On Monday, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. Before you get too excited for us, hang on, because I started bleeding this morning. My loving husband made me go to the ER, where we had to wait for ages, while being exposed to God knows what, and watching a parade of girl babies all around (what would be) Charlotte's age come to wait in the waiting room with us. They basically had me pee on a stick, told me it was negative, and sent us on our way. The nurse (so politely) told us that if I had been pregnant and was miscarrying, it would still show a positive. Gee, so helpful. When I got home, and after yet another bout of sobbing, I made myself a fresh batch of my anti-depressant essential oil blend, and took a nice, hot shower. While I was in the shower, I got to thinking. Last Thursday night I had a dream that we were losing this baby, and when I woke up Friday morning, my nausea was pretty much gone, and I couldn't shake that feeling all day that we were losing it, so I added an extra progesterone from that day on. I think now that that was the day this baby died, and the super faint line on my pregnancy test that following Monday was the remainder of the hcg still in my body, which would (I think) account for the test today being negative. Whenever it was, I was blissfully unaware until today. So, I'm a mess. I'm exhausted emotionally and spiritually. Physically, I feel fine. Part of me says we should just give up. But I think that's just my broken heart talking. We only recently discovered my MTHFR mutation, and started a protocol for that. I know I should call my Napro on Monday, and give her 1 more chance, whatever she thinks we should try. Right now, I just don't care. Emma would be such an AMAZING big sister. I don't know why it's so freaking hard to give her a baby sibling. She and I were looking at a name book at Applebee's the other day, and the waitress asked if I was pregnant. Kinda hard to deny it with a name book, so I said yes. She turned to Emma, and asked if this was her first time being a big sister. Emma paused, obviously trying to decide how to answer. She finally went with "yes". When the waitress walked away, Emma quietly added "...on land". She's already a big sister to 3 saints, but so desperately wants one she can hold, play with, and teach things to. So do I. Bella is going to be turning 13 on Monday. Today, we were planning on taking her to her pick of a restaurant, and then to see Zootopia. Both girls are excited to see it. Tomorrow, my MIL is supposed to come over for dinner, and to give Bella her present. She has a history of having no filter or common sense, so I told hubby at the hospital this morning, that if she says one word about babies tomorrow (as in WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME ANOTHER GRANDBABY???), that I can't promise I won't kill her. Like, literally. He said he'd warn her, but I still plan on oiling up, and drinking liberally during her visit just in case. Anyway, on Monday, we'll get an extra visit with Bella for her birthday, so Emma's ditching her ballet class, and we'll be ordering Bella's favorite pizza, and giving her her big birthday present. Please, just pray for my emotional and spiritual healing, for peace, and for Bella to have a happy birthday in spite of it all. If I see you in person, and start snapping at you, or randomly start crying, I apologize in advance, and please just give me a hug, and let me cry.
Thanks, and God bless Dana
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September 2017
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