You would think that I would be used to this by now. You would think that after 6 years of trying for a baby, that my heart wouldn't be able to still break with a negative pregnancy test. You would think I wouldn't allow myself so much hope every. Single. Cycle. You would think that I would give up on the symptom spotting, looking for any indication that THIS time it's real. THIS time it's MY turn...finally. You would be wrong. After my first round of Clomid, what had seemed like implantation pain at the appropriate time, and a decent amount of pregnancy signs and symptoms, I was faced with a big fat negative this morning. And we have family pictures for the church directory tonight at 6. So, I have roughly 7 1/2 hours to get out of this funk and look happy... So, here I sit in adoration. Once again, disappointed and broken hearted after yet another negative pregnancy test this morning. As I sit here, across the aisle from another mom, breastfeeding and chasing her crawling baby around the church, all I can think about is that stupid negative test. I've tried crocheting, but can't focus enough to make it look decent, so I have to undo whatever I've just done. I tried reading St. Faustina's diary, which usually reassures me and comforts me, but I realized at the bottom of the page that I had no idea what the page had even been about, so I put that down. I even tried playing a mindless game on my phone, since that usually occupies my mind just enough to help me concentrate and pray. Even that didn't help. So, as a last ditch effort to be able to focus on anything besides my broken heart, I thought I'd blog about it. Maybe putting my emotions "out there" will allow me to focus on Jesus and pray for these last few minutes of my adoration hour. Just maybe.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
You can access my store by clicking the Waiting in Faith drop down menu at the top of the page, or by following this link:
http://waitinginfaith.weebly.com/store/c1/Featured_Products.html Archives
September 2017
|