Take care, and God bless!
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
I started my day today with yet another negative pregnancy test. I figured it would be negative, so it didn't hurt as much as some have, but every negative is still a little discouraging. Anyway, I shook it off, and Emma and I went to Mass at our old parish. Of course, right after Communion, the priest called all the pregnant women up to the front for a special blessing. Emma and I were essentially in the front row (we were in the second row, but practically nobody sits in the very front, because of the uncomfortable kneelers), so I got the full view of all the pregnant bellies in their various stages. That stung. I just sat there, looking at them, thinking that I could've been up there too. Anyway, we went to our old parish today mostly because the time was better for us to all go to the co-op picnic together. Emma and I could've gone to our current parish, and just gone straight to the picnic afterwards, but hubby had said he would go too. It didn't make sense to drive from the west side, downtown, back to the west side, and then the east side, so that was a pretty big factor in deciding to go there today too. Of course, after Emma and I got home, and waited for him to get back from the store, he walked in and said that his foot hurt, and he wasn't going. So, we went without him. We were both disappointed, but me more than Emma. I had really been looking forward to socializing together as a family (something we RARELY get to do), especially after my hard morning. Well, as we were driving across town, Emma had her earbuds in, so I got to listen to some grownup radio (Catholic Radio Indy 89.1FM for you local folks), and they were talking about a quote from somebody (I forget who, but I think Chesterton) that talked about how we shouldn't worry about our will, and what we want, but only be concerned with God's Will , and what He wants. So, I spent a lot of the rest of the day thinking about that, forcing myself to not care that I'm still not pregnant, and to just praise God and trust that His timing and plans are perfect, and there must be a reason why I'm not pregnant. As funny as it sounds, surrendering my will to God's Will is a serious act of the will. I literally felt like I was fighting with myself. The part that I'm really struggling with, though, is trying to figure out where God's Will and my responsibilities intersect. Okay, so I'm obviously not supposed to get pregnant right now. Am I ever going to get pregnant again? Should I give up? If I give up trying for a baby, go off my meds, and DO end up getting pregnant, the chances of a miscarriage are probably at least 90% for me. So, unless we try at least as hard to not get pregnant as we've tried TO get pregnant, I pretty much have to stay on my meds until menopause (I'm 35, so I probably still have several more years before that hits), which totally sucks, as that includes a solid 2 weeks of twice daily injections each month. Something new that happened last week, is that I got a spiritual director. He's a fairly newly ordained priest, who is a convert from the Anglican church, a husband, and father of 7. He's very nice, easy to talk to, and has a unique expertise when it comes to Church teachings and raising a family. We just had our first session last Tuesday, and I see him again on Wednesday. I think I'll ask him my question about God's Will and my responsibilities.
Take care, and God bless! Dana
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September 2017
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