Thanks, and God bless!
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
You would think that at this point in my life, after experiencing as much death and loss as I have, that I would be something of an expert when it comes to grief. After all, by the time I was 18, I had lost a friend, my foster-sister, my favorite grandfather, and my dad. And the death and loss didn't stop there. Anyway, around the time I wrote my last post, I started grieving heavily for Margaret (who still wouldn't be due for almost another month). I was feeling guilty on top of the grief, because I had been a little sad on Michael's due date, but was pretty much fine leading up to it. I felt almost angry at myself for being so sad already for Margaret, and not sad enough for Michael...not that you can really control these things...it was weird. Then, we got some really shocking news last Tuesday. My husband's 53 year old sister (who had a history of hiding from the family for years at a time, and then popping back in for awhile) had apparently gotten even skinnier than she had always been (probably 5'7" or so, and I'd say maybe 110-120 lbs, soaking wet), got down to 80 lbs, went to sleep, and didn't wake up. The shock and suddenness of it made my grieving for Margaret take a backseat, and I got a break from it for about a week. It was nice at first, to not be so depressed, although I obviously felt horrible for my husband and his family, especially my nephew, her son - who found her. It hasn't really affected me much personally, at least not yet. I tried for a long time to be close to her, but her frequent disappearing act made that nearly impossible. Plus, because she was so good at disappearing for such long stretches (she wouldn't come to family functions, wouldn't answer the phone or call anyone, etc.), and because she was so young, maybe I'm so fine with it because it still doesn't feel real to me. I don't know. I also found out later that week that my 94 year old grandmother (in Maryland, the one I took my girls to meet this summer) is starting to fail in a major way. Probably won't be long from the sound of things. Anyway, as of this Monday, I'm slowly easing back into my grief for Margaret, which is actually nice, because I was starting to miss it in a way - so strange, right? Tonight was Emma's first meeting of Little Flowers for the year, and as I was sitting there, talking to the other moms, I found out that one of them is pregnant. Obviously, I'm happy for her, but it definitely stung. Next month's meeting falls on Margaret's due date, so I doubt I'll be up to going. I already asked a friend if Emma could go with her if I can't deal, and she said yes, so I have my bases covered. I just hate it that I have to feel pain mingled with joy at every pregnancy and birth announcement. Why can't I just be happy for my friends without the heartache that comes with it? I wish I could smile a real smile when I hear that news, instead of my "I'm trying so hard not to cry right now, even though I wish you only the best" smile that I've gotten so used to doing. I've just decided that grief is so weird and strange...which in itself I find weird, because I know grief so intimately, and have for so very long - or, at least I thought I did. Anyway, I still definitely need prayers, if you don't mind. For peace, and acceptance of God's Will.
Thanks, and God bless! Dana
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September 2017
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