God Bless you all!
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
This week, I realized my heart is done trying for a baby. I'm done with the false hope that ends in disappointment and heartbreak every month. I'm done with tracking fertility signs that too often lead me to believe this month will be different. I'm just done. So, unless God surprises us with a miracle, or we adopt, our family is complete. We have two beautiful girls on earth, and one saint watching over us and praying for us. I'm trying to accept that this is likely as large as our family is going to ever be. I'm mourning the possibility of ever being pregnant again (yes, I'm one of those weirdos that actually enjoys being pregnant), ever feeling another baby grow and move inside me, and ever breastfeeding another little one. Please, if you pray, pray for me to have peace in my heart, as I move into the next stage of motherhood: being done with babies, and raising big kids into teens and adults. Following my decision stop trying, I find myself thinking more and more about Charlotte, and what life would be like if she had lived. I feel like my grieving for her has almost started over. She would be 7 months old now, and getting pregnant would likely be far from my mind and heart, as I chased after an ever more active baby. And, of course, as the last cycle that I allowed myself to hope, I'm late, so I took a pregnancy test this morning that (as usual) was negative. Just confirming my growing suspicion that we're done. So, here I sit at the indoor playground with the girls, seeing all these pregnant women, moms with babies, and toddlers, trying to hold it together and not cry in public. Anyway, thanks for reading the ramblings of my broken heart. Prayers needed and appreciated.
God Bless you all! Dana
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September 2017
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