Thanks, and God Bless!
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
I deleted it pretty quickly after I sent a quick response, so most people probably didn't see it, but on my last post, I got a very cruel, hurtful, and unnecessary comment. The gist of it was that the line couldn't be seen in a picture I had posted in a group (that I thought was meant as a support group) on Facebook, so I clearly wasn't pregnant. It also implied that if (God forbid) I started bleeding, or the bloodwork came back negative, that I would claim I had miscarried again, and fire my doctor, etc., etc. I didn't think this needed to be said, but I guess it does. This is MY blog, where I share MY journey through infertility and miscarriage, where I can feel safe to share openly about MY thoughts and feelings, etc. If you don't think I'm "realistic" enough, or that my losses aren't "legitimate" enough for you, please feel free to click "unfollow", or just stop visiting. I don't need your approval, and most importantly, I don't need you adding to my already high level of anxiety and self-doubt when it comes to pregnancy tests, pregnancy, and miscarriages. Thank you. In case it needs to be said, that comment and any others along those lines will be promptly deleted, and if I knew how, the person would be blocked. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I am going to now exercise my right to my own thoughts and feelings on my own blog. On Tuesday afternoon, I started having a little bit more energy, but still had all the other pregnancy symptoms, so I didn't think much about it, and continued in my guarded blissful state (while I waited for results from the blood tests that I had done on Friday and Monday) until bedtime, when something made my anxiety spike and I had trouble falling asleep. Yesterday, I woke up with virtually no pregnancy symptoms, and gradually (over the course of the day) went back to my normal amount of energy. By dinner time, I knew that bleeding was coming, and that I either am crazy and had hallucinated the line (thank you, rude commenter for putting that in my already fragile mind and heart), or that I was losing another baby (I was almost wanting to be crazy as I couldn't face the alternative). Meanwhile, most of yesterday was spent playing phone tag with the doctor's office as they were trying to track down the lab about my bloodwork results. I was already on or doing everything that would be done if I was in fact pregnant, so medically it made no difference how slow or fast they got the results from the lab and back to me (unlike with my last doctor, who could/would have changed things if she had bothered to LOOK at the results that she HAD in the computer - BIG difference). Around dinner time last night, I started getting a little crampy too. When the dog woke me up at 5 o'clock this morning, I started bleeding. I obviously couldn't get back to sleep, so I just laid awake, reading, watching a couple shows, and browsing Facebook to take my mind off of things. I had already decided that if the tests showed that I WAS pregnant, and I was doing everything that could possibly be done to save it and still lost it, that I'd give up and be done. If I WASN'T pregnant, and had just hallucinated the line with a side of INSANE pms, we'd keep trying and that would be okay. I wasn't really in the mood to go to adoration with the mom's group at my church, but as the technical leader of the group, I felt like I had to (plus I had bought more plates, styrofoam cups and coffee stirrers for the group to use - which they were out of), so I went. While I was sitting in adoration, trying to focus and pray, the doctor's office called back again. I already knew that I wasn't pregnant (anymore?), and that whatever the tests had showed could wait, so I shoved it to voicemail. Emma and I continued our morning, went to lunch, got a car wash, and went home, where I got into my jammies, closed myself in my room, got comfortable, and called the doctor's office back. I found out that my hcg level on Friday had been 2, and that when I went back on Monday for the hcg recheck, the idiot lab had drawn a progesterone level instead, so they didn't know what Monday's number was. The nurse said that a hcg level under 5 counts as "not pregnant", and since they didn't know if it had gone up or not by Monday, they were not documenting it as a "loss". So, I'm left here in a sad limbo of sorts. Was my level up by Monday? Was it not? Even if it wasn't, I'm not on any kind of hcg shots, so as far as I know, the only other cause of hcg being present at ALL is a baby... So, WAS there a tiny life attempting to grow? DO we have yet another saint in Heaven? Do we not? Nobody has really given me a firm answer, because other than God, nobody really seems sure. So, I guess I need to pray about it. I don't know at this point if I truly never conceived, and it was some fluke of medicine, or if we now have a fourth saint in Heaven, deserving of my tears and grief... So, if we could just skip the rude "I told you so" comments, and just pray for my peace and acceptance of God's Will, that would be great. This journey and cross is hard enough without the added sniping and rudeness in what is supposed to be a safe place for me to get things off of my heart and mind. And as for the rude commenter, know that I did pray for you after I read your comment that day. You must be hurting in some manner too to feel the need to lash out at me the way you did when I don't even know you.
Thanks, and God Bless! Dana
2 Comments
Jillann
3/2/2017 08:55:24 pm
Oh sweet friend, my heart breaks for you because this world is so very cruel. You are such a beautiful soul to pray for someone with so little a heart that they strike at a sweet person in great pain. You and your family are in my prayers. May you heal mentally and physically. Hugs
Reply
Dana
3/2/2017 08:56:14 pm
Thank you. <3 you!
Reply
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September 2017
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