Hugs and Prayers always welcome!
God Bless,
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
Overall, I think I'm dealing with this miscarriage much better than my last. At least, I like to think I am. Although, maybe I'm just dealing with it differently. Last time was almost two years ago (April 1), and I remember the sobbing in the closet, trying to stuff my feelings down, so I could still take care of my mom and Emma. I remember being totally numb, and then, out of nowhere, having days where I couldn't stop sobbing again. This time, I've shed tears, and sobbed like before, but I don't think as much. Mostly, I've just been numb. It's almost been like waking up from a bad dream. I still remember it, and know what's happening, but sometimes I forget. Or, I'll catch myself being "normal" and feel guilty. In a way, this time has been a little easier, I think partly because it was SO early. We had only been sure I was pregnant for a few days this time. Last time, I had a couple weeks, almost 3, to embrace the baby emotionally, and start looking at baby names, start needing at least looser fitting clothes, if not quite maternity clothes yet. And, in a way, this time has been harder too. We hadn't even started talking about names yet. And I was SO early, that there's still a seed of doubt in my mind that I was even pregnant, although the prolonged bleeding encourages me that I was. I feel guilty that there's at least one soul in Heaven that we've helped to create with no name. I've prayed to Jesus, and asked Him how many children we have in Heaven, and genders, so that we can name them. No response. I've struggled before with praying, and feeling like I'm just talking to myself. But right now, that feeling is especially strong. In my numb, trying to be "normal"...but not TOO "normal" balancing act, I occasionally find myself lashing out unexpectedly. On Sunday, I snapped at my husband. I felt awful, apologized to him, and went to confession, but I still feel bad about it. He understood, of course, but I'm mad at myself that I did that. Then, something on Facebook will strike me wrong, and I'll just get taken off guard, and not realize how upset I am until I'm typing something. For example, one of my friends on Facebook, who has also experienced infertility, loss and is currently pregnant (delivering tomorrow) posted this picture this morning: When someone is pregnant, she is not “expecting a child” – she already has one. She is not “going to be a mother” – she already is a mother. The baby is not “on the way,” the baby has already arrived. If we are going to change the way society treats unborn children, we have to change the way we talk about them. -Frank Pavone, 7/7/12 This was my comment: "That's part of what makes miscarriage so horrible. Most of society can't wrap their heads around the fact that even though the baby was microscopic, and you never held it, or saw its face, you loved it like any other child, and mourn its absence. Even pro-lifers don't fully grasp it unless they've gone through it." I know I didn't need to say that, since she knows, and has been there. But I couldn't help typing it anyway. So, maybe I'm not handling this as well as I thought...I guess I have more anger and bitterness than I realize about this all. I just can't understand how God could allow some women to get pregnant over and over, knowing that they're just going to kill them in abortion, or abandon them after birth, or abuse or neglect them later on. Then, deny good, solid, loving couples and families babies that would be loved beyond measure. I just don't understand. I know God doesn't need to clear His plans with me, but it would be nice if I could see any kind of good in this. Even through all my other trials and sufferings in my life, I've always held on to the fact that God can make good come from everything. I'm finding it near impossible to hold onto that right now. Especially in light of the new diagnosis that I got the same week as our loss. The more I research MTHFR, the more confused and frustrated I get. It's such a new discovery still, that there's not much in the way of cold, hard facts. Science is very slow in nailing down what is helpful for MTHFR, what is harmful, and what has no impact. So, while the "expert" says folic acid is bad, and to use methylated folate instead, there's not really any scientific proof of that yet. The only things that everyone can seem to agree on are that my blood is thicker than normal, clots easier, and I can't break down certain vitamins. Mostly folic acid and the B's from what I've gathered so far. There's at least 64 conditions that MTHFR can cause or make worse. Doctors and naturopaths are trying to figure out protocols basically on the fly, with no REAL scientific guidance. I've been talking to other people on Facebook with this thing, and some have protocols that include only smoothies and a baby aspirin, while others take pills. Some take fish oil, some don't. Some insist on methylated folate, some take folic acid. Some have gone on to have healthy babies after diagnosis, some have not. It's all so confusing. I have an appointment on Tuesday afternoon with my Napro doctor to discuss which version of MTHFR I have (apparently there's 2 kinds that cause trouble, but several different versions of those, and different ways to approach all of them), and a plan. My husband is taking off of work (I also am getting a benign lump on my chin removed that morning), and we have a sitter so that he can go with me, and we can both ask questions. The thing is, if I ignore my MTHFR, I could and probably will in time be affected by some of the 64 conditions. I have experience already with four of them, and can see many more in my mom's side of the family. If I treat the MTHFR, I have a better chance of a healthy life in general, but I also have a better chance of conceiving again, and probably miscarrying again. I have a better chance of carrying to term with the treatments, but not guaranteed. I also have a chance of having a stroke while pregnant or in delivery, so my dreams of a natural childbirth next time could very easily turn into a C-section, just so I don't have a stroke or bleed out due to the blood thinners. Anyway, I guess I just need time, prayers, and answers. It's just a lot to process all at once.
Hugs and Prayers always welcome! God Bless, Dana
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September 2017
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