God Bless,
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
Our priest's brother died very suddenly in a car accident early this last Thursday, and although I didn't know him, and am not particularly close to our priest, I felt an immense need to go to his funeral this morning. I realized why during the homily/eulogy. Our priest talked in his eulogy mainly about obedience. He said that with the suddenness of tragedy, everyone is always asking "why". "Why?", he said, is the wrong question. Then, he went into a story about how when his brother was getting married 16 years ago, he asked our priest to be part of it, as he was a very newly ordained deacon. Our priest has a history of long homilies, so his brother kept reminding him that he didn't need to say a whole lot. Our priest gave him the chance at only having him speak for 1 page length instead of 8-10 pages if he could answer 1 question correctly. The question was "what is the key to success in your life?", to which his brother answered "Jesus" (a decent guess anytime a priest or deacon asks you a question). This was the wrong answer. The correct answer was "obedience". He then went into a long talk about obedience. He said there are 3 different kinds of obedience: 1) obeying because you completely understand why someone is asking you to do something, and you would have done it anyway; 2) obeying because you fear the consequences if you don't; and 3) obeying because you KNOW how much the person asking you loves you (even if you don't love them that much), and only wants what is best for you. As Christians, we KNOW that God loves us (or we should). I KNOW that even if I were the only human ever to walk the earth, that Jesus still would have come and died on the cross for my salvation, just as He would have if YOU were the only person ever to walk the earth. He came, not just for all of us as a collective, but each one of us individually. That's how much He loves us. He loves me more than my parents, friends, and family combined could ever think about loving me. He loves you more than your parents, friends, and family combined could ever think about loving you. So, when He allows us to suffer, or to experience tragedy, it is out of His immense, infinite wisdom, goodness, and love for us. In some way, everything that happens to us is meant to help us, whether we see it in this life or not. As I was sitting there, listening to him, I felt like he was talking just to me (even though he was largely talking to his brother's widow, children, and the rest of the family members in attendance). I remember thinking that if someone had said that to me one on one, I probably wouldn't have understood it as much as I did when I felt like a bystander overhearing something. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what I felt. It was during this moment that I KNEW why God brought me to that funeral. It was to hear that homily on obedience. I felt like God was telling me to just obey, and know that He LOVES me so much, and wouldn't ask anything of me that wasn't needed for my good, or the good of others. At this same time, I got the sense that I should keep doing my heparin shots, and not look for a way out of them. So, while I'm still looking forward to my appointment with Dr. Stroud of the 30th to discuss options, and ways to boost our chances at conceiving, I no longer feel the desperate hope that he'll have an alternative to the shots. When my stomach needs a break, I'll take a break like I am right now, but I will continue the shots, knowing that somehow they will benefit me. Maybe they'll somehow bring me closer to Jesus, maybe something else. I don't know. I also was thinking about obedience and trusting that God knows what He's doing in regard to my 3 babies that we've lost. God loves me so much, that He took my 3 babies to be saints with Him in Heaven. Over half of my children have already gotten to Paradise. How awesome is that? It gives me such a deep desire to be good and strive for holiness, knowing that 3 of my children are waiting for me in Heaven. I have 3 saints praying for me and our family night and day. While it hurts my heart beyond measure not to have my babies with me, I know that if I can persevere through the muck of this life, I will be able to spend eternity with them, holding them, and loving on them. What greater joy could there be? Over half of my children have only ever experienced love, have never known fear, sadness, loneliness, or betrayal. They've never had a cause to be angry or jealous. Yes, I'm crying tears of sadness and heartache while I type this. Margaret's due date is in 2 days, so I apologize if I'm rambling or jumbling stuff up a little. I just feel the need to not only obey, but be grateful that God has given me 3 saints of my very own, and these shots that will bring me closer to Him. Who knows? Maybe I'm experiencing my purgatory here on earth, so that when I die I will just fly right into the arms of Jesus and Mary...here's hoping anyway.
God Bless, Dana
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September 2017
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