God bless!
Dana
Waiting in Faith |
Since my last post, I've been doing a lot of research, thinking, and praying. I've discovered that the pregnancy tests I've been using for...close to a year?...have an apparent tendency to show false positives as well as false negatives. So, those are going in the trash... *sigh* Also, while my first cycle of Clomid was full of pregnancy symptoms, apparently the longer you use it, the more intense they get (which would account for the symptoms that were so strong and real that they even convinced my husband). So, my last pill of that also went in the trash. So, here's to only dealing with progesterone's relatively minor pregnancy symptoms (that I've pretty well gotten used to by now) going forward! Anyway, moving on. Part of my Lent this year includes reading books that are good for my soul/growth in holiness. I was just reading chapter 15 in The Screwtape Letters, and in it, the mentor demon, Screwtape, is telling the other demon, Wormwood, how important it is (for them as demons) to keep us humans focused on the future. He says that the past is frozen and no longer flows, the present is all lit up with eternal rays (and is the closest thing we experience to what God experiences), but the future is unknown to us, and so it is easier for them (the demons) to inflame our thoughts about the future with hopes and fears. He also says that nearly all vices are rooted in the future. "Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead." This chapter is really speaking to me, as I'm constantly battling the hope that our future will include a baby (or babies) at some point, and the fear that it won't. For the rest of Lent (or at least the rest of today), I'm going to try to be more aware of how I look at the future, and how often I look at it. This is especially a struggle for me right now, as my oldest, Bella, turns 14 today. 14. Next year, she'll be starting to drive...a terrifying thought. I also think about how she's 14 now, Emma is 8, and I'm wanting to add a baby. At the earliest we could have a baby, Bella would be almost 15, and Emma would be 9. Part of me thinks they would be too old to consider adding a baby to that and starting all over again. But the rest of me doesn't care. Anyway, I'm doing much better emotionally now, since discovering all that I mentioned above, but I still need prayers moving forward. Just to help me focus on the present, and how God is with me, even during my struggles (especially during my struggles). Thanks.
God bless! Dana
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September 2017
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