My personal life is much longer and complicated, but I'll attempt Cliff's Notes on that too. Get comfy. ;-)
Okay, so, I already mentioned my husband and my oldest daughter. My youngest (living) turned 1 year old while I was doing RCIA, so she's basically a Cradle Catholic, since she doesn't remember us ever NOT being Catholic. When I started RCIA, I was really unsure about what I was going to end up doing, and didn't want to rock any boats unnecessarily, so I told my mom and husband that I was going to a Bible study - not completely untrue, as we did talk a lot about the Bible there. Around halfway into it, I knew that I was definitely going to become Catholic. So, I got up my nerve, and told my husband, who (of course) was confused, but totally supportive. When I told my mom, she was supportive also, but more vocal about her confusion, and wanted to find out more, so she ended up coming with me to the rest of my classes, and came into the Church herself 3 years later. Slightly over a year after that, she passed away. See that saga here, here, here, here, and here. A few months after my mom got sick and moved in with us, we moved to a bigger house. Then, in the middle of my mom's illness, we found out I was pregnant!!! We were over the moon excited, as I don't get pregnant easily, and we had been trying for awhile. It lasted about 2 weeks, and then ended in miscarriage due to low progesterone. That was just over a year ago now, and I'm mostly doing okay with it, but I still have hard days, and days where I find it nearly impossible to keep trusting God, and surrendering all my fears, hopes, and desperation to Him.
Now we're pretty much current, I think. Except for the homeschool thing. I've been homeschooling my youngest (living) since Pre-K. She did one year of regular Pre-K, but with her October birthday, and her maturity and intelligence, the only preschool I could find that was somewhat appropriate for her was really expensive. So, I kept her home the second year of preschool just to save money, and we both fell in love with it. My husband took a little more convincing, and my MIL still isn't there, but she's almost done with 1st grade now, and doing great!
Okay, so the last few days have been especially rough on me emotionally. We recently (like last week) finished up our first round of fertility treatments, and found out it failed. I've been seeing this message in various forms, from various sources since then: "shut up, sit down, and trust God". If you've ever faced infertility, or lost a child, or both, you know how incredibly difficult that is. I've really been struggling with trying to figure out if I'm doing God's Will by seeking treatments, if I'm being stubborn and impatient, if I just need to stop, let go, and trust Him, or if I'm doing okay, and just need to keep on. I so wished for a sign or a voice, or SOMETHING to let me know if I need to do something differently. I was having a REALLY hard time with this on Wednesday this week, and asked the infertility support group on Facebook for insight.
One of the women there shared this beautiful poem with me. I read it during adoration yesterday, and it really brought me so much comfort and peace.
WAIT
(Taken from "Follow Me!" by Russell Kelfer, copyright 1995.
Published by Discipleship Tape Ministries, Inc., and Into His Likeness Publications.)
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."
"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future, and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?
I'm needing a 'yes,' or a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no,' to which I can resign.
"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receiv.
And Lord I've been asking, and this in my cry:
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"
He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.
"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence was all you could see.
"You would never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth and the beat of my heart.
"The glow of My comfort late in the night'
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinate God who makes what you have last.
"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.
"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all...is still...wait."
So, I'm doing my best to wait. Waiting in Faith, as I continue my journey in infertility, waiting to find out God's Will, and waiting for answers to my prayers.
God Bless,
Dana