You would think that I would be used to this by now. You would think that after 6 years of trying for a baby, that my heart wouldn't be able to still break with a negative pregnancy test. You would think I wouldn't allow myself so much hope every. Single. Cycle. You would think that I would give up on the symptom spotting, looking for any indication that THIS time it's real. THIS time it's MY turn...finally. You would be wrong. After my first round of Clomid, what had seemed like implantation pain at the appropriate time, and a decent amount of pregnancy signs and symptoms, I was faced with a big fat negative this morning. And we have family pictures for the church directory tonight at 6. So, I have roughly 7 1/2 hours to get out of this funk and look happy... So, here I sit in adoration. Once again, disappointed and broken hearted after yet another negative pregnancy test this morning. As I sit here, across the aisle from another mom, breastfeeding and chasing her crawling baby around the church, all I can think about is that stupid negative test. I've tried crocheting, but can't focus enough to make it look decent, so I have to undo whatever I've just done. I tried reading St. Faustina's diary, which usually reassures me and comforts me, but I realized at the bottom of the page that I had no idea what the page had even been about, so I put that down. I even tried playing a mindless game on my phone, since that usually occupies my mind just enough to help me concentrate and pray. Even that didn't help. So, as a last ditch effort to be able to focus on anything besides my broken heart, I thought I'd blog about it. Maybe putting my emotions "out there" will allow me to focus on Jesus and pray for these last few minutes of my adoration hour. Just maybe.
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So, big shocker...had another negative pregnancy test after my last update. So, this time around, I was on Clomid (here's hoping for twins!), and I used an ovulation predictor kit in addition to my Creighton charting to know EXACTLY when our best chances for conceiving were, and made sure to make the most of those days. Everything that could be done (within reason) was done to ensure conception, and I started on my Heparin shots this morning. I have to go tomorrow for a progesterone blood check and then I'll start the progesterone too. Please, please, PLEASE pray that this cycle is "our" cycle! Hubby's birthday is February 9, and what an AWESOME early birthday present a baby would be! Meanwhile, since my last update, we've had Christmas and New Year's and the ice storm that almost was. Christmas was okay...as okay as Christmas can be for me these days. I survived it, and didn't even end up drinking that much! I was very proud of my mother-in-law. For the first time ever, she gave the girls a reasonable amount of presents and cards with cash (whatever was left that she wanted to spend on them but didn't). It was lovely! Dinner was rough. I couldn't bring myself to eat the things I had eaten last Christmas when I was pregnant with Michael, and unfortunately, those are the very things that hubby made. I managed to eat enough other things, though, that I don't think anyone noticed my not eating what used to be my favorite Christmas foods (and if they did, nobody said anything). New Year's was nice and quiet. The party we almost always go to was canceled, so we just stayed home instead. We had a couple of friends over the night before New Year's Eve for dinner and just to hang out (my attempt to get my husband some guy friends so I only invited those friends of mine that I thought had husbands my husband would like to hang out with), and that was nice. It was our first "party" that we've ever had that wasn't a birthday party for the kids or something along those lines. Then, this weekend, we were supposed to get this horrible ice storm that was supposed to make the roads terrible, and everyone was worried about it. Yeah...I think we had 2 hours or so yesterday morning that were icy, but otherwise the roads have been just fine. I also went to court for Bella the beginning of this month. Nothing's really changing, my lawyer is having quadruple bypass surgery on Tuesday (PRAYERS FOR HIM, PLEASE!!!), and we go back again the end of April. Well, I think that's pretty much all my news for the moment. Hopefully, I'll be back with some REALLY great news in about 11 days...
God Bless, Dana Well, that Friday DID end up being insane, but I'm so glad we were able to go to my cousin's Bar Mitzvah. It was really cool, and very interesting! I'd never been to one before, at least not one like that. My youngest cousin read the story of Jacob and Rachel from the Torah in Hebrew like a rockstar! Lol Seriously, he was awesome! I so wish I could've taken a picture, but no electronics are allowed on the Sabbath (I did try to sneak one or two on the sly, but my phone wouldn't cooperate). It was really cool, though, and despite the women having to be separated from the men by a partition, it really looked very similar to the 1st part of the Mass (you know, if it was in Hebrew...). Afterwards, everyone was given little bags of candy to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boy, and all the kids 8ish and under could dive for some of it. From that point on, there was more food around than anyone could stomach. Lol If you even started THINKING about having an ounce of room, another plate full of food was being handed to you. :-) It was really nice, though, and one of my aunt's brothers introduced me to a siracha sauce that he had brought with him. Every time a new food was offered, he handed me the bottle. It was pretty good. We got back with about an hour to spare before Bella had to be picked up. The ride back was rough. Emma screamed a good portion of the way home. First, because Bella needed to get a drink from a vending machine, and I didn't have enough change leftover for Emma to get something other than gum. Then, because she desperately wanted to go to Terre Haute, Indiana on our way home and there wasn't time. Seriously. Terre Haute. She's been really into watching old shows, and has been watching Family Affair, where the kids come (in the story) from Terre Haute to live with their uncle in New York. We made it, though. Meanwhile, the signs of fertility continued (an obnoxious total of 14 days - usually it's 5 or 6 days), and I went back for 2 more ultrasounds, finally confirming my own natural ovulation! I got to see the busted follicle and everything. It was all jagged looking and cool. So, now, we wait. I really don't think I'm pregnant, but I have to wait 6 more days before I can test. I'm just sure that the small symptoms I AM having are just side effects from the progesterone I'm taking. At least, that's what I keep telling myself to avoid turning into a complete mess 2 days after Christmas when I'm faced with yet another negative pregnancy test. Although, in the back of my mind I keep thinking about Charlotte, and how I had ZERO symptoms with her until about 5 weeks. So, I'm doing that delicate balancing act of preparing myself for a negative test while maintaining some kind of hope. Then, yesterday, the sadness and emptiness of missing 3 kids at Christmas this year started to hit me. Charlotte would be 2 this year, and just starting to get the whole Santa thing. And, of course, I wouldn't have Margaret without first losing Michael, but at least one of them would be wearing a cute baby's 1st Christmas outfit this year. I know men process things differently, and that they don't really bond with baby until it's born, but sometimes my missing our babies feels so lonely in my house. Emma mentions them sometimes, but she's the only one, and it's probably because we spend 90% of our time together (if not more), and she knows how much I miss them. I just wish my husband would even just acknowledge them now and then. Whenever I try to bring it up, he just changes the subject or shuts down the conversation. I know in his way, he's probably trying to take my mind off of it, and cheer me up, but it would be so much better if he would let me talk about them. It would mean so much for him to bring them up to me. Especially around the holidays when anyone can see I'm struggling to fake happiness...
I guess I just still need prayers. God knows why, even if I can't put it all into words. God Bless, and Merry Christmas! Dana Yesterday, Emma and I drove over 2 hours to go up to Fort Wayne, IN so that I could have an ultrasound to check on how my body does ovulation on its own. The answer is: not very well. From the charting I do with Creighton (NFP), I knew that yesterday was supposed to be at or almost "peak" (ovulation). I had a few different follicles developing, but not well enough, and my endometrium wasn't quite where it needed to be either. So, they want me to come back on Friday to do another ultrasound, in the hopes that everything will be where it needs to be. I'm doubtful, but I'm going to do it anyway. The good news is that this is an easily fixed problem. The Clomid, Progesterone, and Heparin combo I'm going to be starting next cycle should fix it...hopefully. Meanwhile, I just realized not quite an hour ago exactly how NUTS Friday is going to be now. We'll have to leave home around 9:15 Friday morning, drive up to Fort Wayne again, do my appointment, then rush home to pick up the dogs, then take them to my friend's house for the weekend, hopefully have a few minutes to give instructions etc., then rush off to pick up Bella, then immediately start driving for St. Louis (my youngest cousin is having his Bar Mitzvah Saturday morning), check into the hotel, and then spend whatever is left of the evening with my family. I'm exhausted just thinking about it...
If you've been following our journey at all, you probably know at least most of the stuff we've tried, and the things I've gone through to try to have another baby. While we're probably at least on Plan L or M by now, I'm calling this current one Plan H for Hopeful. Hubby and I drove up the 2 1/2 hours today to see my Napro doctor, Dr. Stroud. I had called and made an appointment with him because I'm beyond frustrated with the process, overwhelmed with the shots, pills, etc., tired of doing EVERYTHING, and STILL no baby, etc., etc. I about started to cry as I was explaining where I was, what we had tried, and the pressure I feel to do the shots if we use even the most remote possible fertile days. He suggested that I come back on Monday to have an ultrasound to check my follicles. That way, we can be sure that I'm ovulating the way I'm supposed to. At the same time, he wants to check my natural levels of progesterone to see what my body's doing. He's also going to get his hands on hubby's analysis results that our previous Napro had him do, and make sure they were interpreted correctly, and that nothing else needs to be done on his side of things. He also said that starting on my next cycle, I'll start taking Clomid. It's the tiniest (I think) dose possible, so I doubt we'll end up with twins (not that I'd mind!), but hopefully we'll at least get 1 baby out of this. So, if you wouldn't mind, please say a prayer that 1) he sees what he needs to see on the ultrasound 2) that my bloodwork gives him an accurate picture of what my body does 3) that the Clomid side effect horror stories I've heard won't be true for me and 4) that we only need 1 cycle on the Clomid, or better yet, concieve THIS cycle and never even GET to the Clomid. :-)
Thanks and God Bless! Dana Well, Margaret's due date was as miserable as expected, but surprisingly, the 10th (the day after her due date) was even worse. It was Thursday, so I had adoration in the morning, and I literally cried through at least half of my hour. Took me forever to get through my rosary. After adoration, a few friends invited Emma and I to their house for lunch and a play date. I'm afraid I wasn't very good company, but Emma had a great time, and it was nice to (somewhat) get my mind off of Margaret and my other 2 babies for a bit (for some reason, it was hitting me pretty hard that I was missing not only Margaret, but Charlotte and Michael too). Anyway, when we got home Thursday, there was a package on the front porch with Emma's new history curriculum in it (we had been using Seton's history, but it was just too heavy on the obscure saints and their personal stories and too light on actual history-history for me this year). It's called The Story of Civilization, which, if you've heard of The Story of the World, it's very similar, except without the anti-Catholic stuff. So, we started using it on Friday, and Emma almost didn't want to stop! It reads like a story, and every chapter has different crafts/snacks/science experiments/word searches/crosswords/coloring pages related to what you read about in the chapter! They only have the first book out right now, with plans to release the next book every summer, but it starts with pre-history civilization, and goes until Constantine. We're SUPER into it so far! We read the 1st 2 chapters, and Emma made her own clay tablet (with a clay recipe in the book), wrote hieroglyphics in the clay, with the extra clay, made a snowman with a pharaoh's hat, and then we also made her her own Narmer's crown out of foam poster board (he was the king of Upper Egypt that conquered the king of Lower Egypt, and wore both crowns as a sign that he was king of both). Interestingly, enough, Lower Egypt was actually to the north of Upper Egypt, but Upper Egypt has mountains/hills, where Lower Egypt does not, so if you look at a map, Lower Egypt is on top of Upper Egypt. Lol. :-) In other news, on Monday, Emma has to "be" Laura Ingalls Wilder (author of Little House on the Prairie books), and as of last night, her costume is FINISHED! She still needs to finish her poster and write her speech, but she'll look adorable no matter what she says for her presentation. :-) Pictures coming in a few days.
God bless, Dana Our priest's brother died very suddenly in a car accident early this last Thursday, and although I didn't know him, and am not particularly close to our priest, I felt an immense need to go to his funeral this morning. I realized why during the homily/eulogy. Our priest talked in his eulogy mainly about obedience. He said that with the suddenness of tragedy, everyone is always asking "why". "Why?", he said, is the wrong question. Then, he went into a story about how when his brother was getting married 16 years ago, he asked our priest to be part of it, as he was a very newly ordained deacon. Our priest has a history of long homilies, so his brother kept reminding him that he didn't need to say a whole lot. Our priest gave him the chance at only having him speak for 1 page length instead of 8-10 pages if he could answer 1 question correctly. The question was "what is the key to success in your life?", to which his brother answered "Jesus" (a decent guess anytime a priest or deacon asks you a question). This was the wrong answer. The correct answer was "obedience". He then went into a long talk about obedience. He said there are 3 different kinds of obedience: 1) obeying because you completely understand why someone is asking you to do something, and you would have done it anyway; 2) obeying because you fear the consequences if you don't; and 3) obeying because you KNOW how much the person asking you loves you (even if you don't love them that much), and only wants what is best for you. As Christians, we KNOW that God loves us (or we should). I KNOW that even if I were the only human ever to walk the earth, that Jesus still would have come and died on the cross for my salvation, just as He would have if YOU were the only person ever to walk the earth. He came, not just for all of us as a collective, but each one of us individually. That's how much He loves us. He loves me more than my parents, friends, and family combined could ever think about loving me. He loves you more than your parents, friends, and family combined could ever think about loving you. So, when He allows us to suffer, or to experience tragedy, it is out of His immense, infinite wisdom, goodness, and love for us. In some way, everything that happens to us is meant to help us, whether we see it in this life or not. As I was sitting there, listening to him, I felt like he was talking just to me (even though he was largely talking to his brother's widow, children, and the rest of the family members in attendance). I remember thinking that if someone had said that to me one on one, I probably wouldn't have understood it as much as I did when I felt like a bystander overhearing something. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what I felt. It was during this moment that I KNEW why God brought me to that funeral. It was to hear that homily on obedience. I felt like God was telling me to just obey, and know that He LOVES me so much, and wouldn't ask anything of me that wasn't needed for my good, or the good of others. At this same time, I got the sense that I should keep doing my heparin shots, and not look for a way out of them. So, while I'm still looking forward to my appointment with Dr. Stroud of the 30th to discuss options, and ways to boost our chances at conceiving, I no longer feel the desperate hope that he'll have an alternative to the shots. When my stomach needs a break, I'll take a break like I am right now, but I will continue the shots, knowing that somehow they will benefit me. Maybe they'll somehow bring me closer to Jesus, maybe something else. I don't know. I also was thinking about obedience and trusting that God knows what He's doing in regard to my 3 babies that we've lost. God loves me so much, that He took my 3 babies to be saints with Him in Heaven. Over half of my children have already gotten to Paradise. How awesome is that? It gives me such a deep desire to be good and strive for holiness, knowing that 3 of my children are waiting for me in Heaven. I have 3 saints praying for me and our family night and day. While it hurts my heart beyond measure not to have my babies with me, I know that if I can persevere through the muck of this life, I will be able to spend eternity with them, holding them, and loving on them. What greater joy could there be? Over half of my children have only ever experienced love, have never known fear, sadness, loneliness, or betrayal. They've never had a cause to be angry or jealous. Yes, I'm crying tears of sadness and heartache while I type this. Margaret's due date is in 2 days, so I apologize if I'm rambling or jumbling stuff up a little. I just feel the need to not only obey, but be grateful that God has given me 3 saints of my very own, and these shots that will bring me closer to Him. Who knows? Maybe I'm experiencing my purgatory here on earth, so that when I die I will just fly right into the arms of Jesus and Mary...here's hoping anyway.
God Bless, Dana First of all, I wanted to thank everyone who has been praying for me. Just a few days ago, I woke up with a calm heart and peace in my soul. At first, I thought it was just a quick break, but it has lasted! Please, if you've been praying for my peace, keep it up! Tomorrow is the beginning of November, which is typically my hardest month of the year. In November, we now have Margaret's birthday (Nov. 9), Charlotte's birthday (Nov. 23 - the day before Thanksgiving this year), Thanksgiving which centers (at least for me) around family, which only serves to remind me of those missing at our table, and the secular world's beginning of the Christmas season with ad after ad, picture after picture of whole and happy families, babies and kids smiling and laughing on tv and everywhere you look, etc (in addition to spending the day with my MIL, who traditionally says SOMETHING about us having another baby, or something else like that during the day - although last year wasn't too bad, but I was pretty well toasted all day, so...). Now for the update: I've started my last cycle of my "break", and last week I called Dr. Stroud (my NaPro doctor), and I have an appointment on Nov. 30 with him to discuss next steps, and options to increase our chances of conceiving. This SHOULD time out to be at the beginning of my next cycle, or the very end of this one. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but trying to have hope at the same time that he will have some awesome idea, and that by this time next year I might have a baby to hold. So, while you're praying for my peace, if you could also throw a couple in for him, that would be awesome. Just for his wisdom, and for the Holy Spirit to let him know what God wants for me and my family.
THANK YOU again for all the prayers! They are working! Dana On October 1, I was on Facebook, and saw a picture of a really cool rosary that had letter beads spelling out the names of people on it. I instantly wanted one for myself with the names of my kids on it, so I asked the person who made it how much she would charge to make me one. It was more than I was comfortable paying, so she told me where I could buy the rosary parts, and I made one myself! I got the crucifix, center, and Our Father beads online at this website, the letter beads, colored glass beads, eye pins (what the beads are on), and extra wire circles at Jo-Ann Fabric, and used a generic jewelry making tool set from Walmart. The whole thing took maybe a couple hours to make, and I absolutely love it! I finished it, and had it blessed on Tuesday, and have been using it to pray ever since! The crucifix has 4 tiny pictures on the ends of the cross. The one on the top is I think of God the Father with a dove representing the Holy Spirit between Him and Christ, with the wings and tail feathers shown behind Jesus' head. The one on the left is an angel. The one on the right I think is Mary, and on the bottom is a picture of the Eucharist. The Our Father beads that I got look like joined wedding bands, and the center is of the Holy Family. For the first 3 Hail Mary beads, I used mine and my husband's first initials with a heart between them, then going around in order from oldest to youngest, I have the names and birthstone colored beads of all 5 of my children. First is Bella, born in March 2003 with light blue beads. Then comes Emma, born in October 2008 with pink beads. Next is Charlotte, born into Heaven in April 2014 with a clear/white bead. Then, Michael who was supposed to be born in September with dark blue beads (he was born into Heaven in January 2016, but I like September's birthstone better, so I picked that). Finally, Margaret, born into Heaven in February 2016 with purple beads. I absolutely love this rosary! It's beautiful, I love every piece of it, with the symbology I was able to include, and of course, the names of all my children! Of course, there's five decades of the rosary, and I have five children, so it's easy, but I'm sure there are ways to make it work with more or less kids. You may need to just use the initials of your kids if you have more than five, or something, but I'm sure there are ways! :-) Here's a picture of the whole thing put together! If you want to make one yourself, and have any questions, feel free to ask! I'll help if I can!
God bless! Dana You would think that at this point in my life, after experiencing as much death and loss as I have, that I would be something of an expert when it comes to grief. After all, by the time I was 18, I had lost a friend, my foster-sister, my favorite grandfather, and my dad. And the death and loss didn't stop there. Anyway, around the time I wrote my last post, I started grieving heavily for Margaret (who still wouldn't be due for almost another month). I was feeling guilty on top of the grief, because I had been a little sad on Michael's due date, but was pretty much fine leading up to it. I felt almost angry at myself for being so sad already for Margaret, and not sad enough for Michael...not that you can really control these things...it was weird. Then, we got some really shocking news last Tuesday. My husband's 53 year old sister (who had a history of hiding from the family for years at a time, and then popping back in for awhile) had apparently gotten even skinnier than she had always been (probably 5'7" or so, and I'd say maybe 110-120 lbs, soaking wet), got down to 80 lbs, went to sleep, and didn't wake up. The shock and suddenness of it made my grieving for Margaret take a backseat, and I got a break from it for about a week. It was nice at first, to not be so depressed, although I obviously felt horrible for my husband and his family, especially my nephew, her son - who found her. It hasn't really affected me much personally, at least not yet. I tried for a long time to be close to her, but her frequent disappearing act made that nearly impossible. Plus, because she was so good at disappearing for such long stretches (she wouldn't come to family functions, wouldn't answer the phone or call anyone, etc.), and because she was so young, maybe I'm so fine with it because it still doesn't feel real to me. I don't know. I also found out later that week that my 94 year old grandmother (in Maryland, the one I took my girls to meet this summer) is starting to fail in a major way. Probably won't be long from the sound of things. Anyway, as of this Monday, I'm slowly easing back into my grief for Margaret, which is actually nice, because I was starting to miss it in a way - so strange, right? Tonight was Emma's first meeting of Little Flowers for the year, and as I was sitting there, talking to the other moms, I found out that one of them is pregnant. Obviously, I'm happy for her, but it definitely stung. Next month's meeting falls on Margaret's due date, so I doubt I'll be up to going. I already asked a friend if Emma could go with her if I can't deal, and she said yes, so I have my bases covered. I just hate it that I have to feel pain mingled with joy at every pregnancy and birth announcement. Why can't I just be happy for my friends without the heartache that comes with it? I wish I could smile a real smile when I hear that news, instead of my "I'm trying so hard not to cry right now, even though I wish you only the best" smile that I've gotten so used to doing. I've just decided that grief is so weird and strange...which in itself I find weird, because I know grief so intimately, and have for so very long - or, at least I thought I did. Anyway, I still definitely need prayers, if you don't mind. For peace, and acceptance of God's Will.
Thanks, and God bless! Dana |
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September 2017
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